Longish.

I'm 15 weeks pp. I've been struggling a lot for a few weeks now. If I get enough sleep at night, I can stumble through my day. If I don't, I feel like it would break my face to smile. My daughter doesn't sleep at night for longer than an hour at a time, so "enough sleep" isn't usually the case. My husband will occasionally sleep in the living room with her for a few hours, but she's in her swing in that scenario (the only way she will sleep for longer than an hour) and I basically lie awake feeling guilty. She is EBF, and she won't take a bottle (of anything), and refuses every pacifier we've tried. I always intended to bf for as long as possible but now I feel an immense amount of pressure and stress over it, which makes me want to give up, and then I feel guilty for wanting to stop.

Last week I got maybe 2 hours of sleep. My brain just wouldn't settle, so the second the baby made waking up sounds I would take care of her so my husband wouldn't wake up. He had no idea, until I had what I think was a nervous breakdown. My knees buckled, I couldn't breathe, and I've never cried so dramatically in my life. Shortly after that I wrote a suicide note. *I have no desire to die* but it has kind of helped me to reread it here and there, because it doesn't even seem like I wrote it. It's kind of like a wake up call I guess.

I don't know if what I'm experiencing is postpartum depression or anxiety, or if I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted from parenting a high maintenance baby, or side effects from my birth control or maybe it's everything. Who do I talk to? My ob? Pcp? I don't know even know where to start.