Love/hate relationship

Does anyone else have a love hate relationship with their ex/abuser?

I know it’s stupid but something I want to get off my chest and have no one to talk to about this.

My sons father was amazing in the beginning. Loving, caring, the sweetest man. Then he changed. It started with name calling, controlling all the money, then the hitting He hit me a total of 3 times. I’d had enough. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought he would change(stupid right?). Thought the baby would make him grow up per say. He never did. He accused me of cheating saying my son wasn’t his. He didn’t come to the birth, and had seen my son a total of 3 times. The absolute last straw was when he yelled at me for breast feeding my son at 48 hours old. He tried to rip my son from my arms. I called the police, he took off like usual. He requested a DNA test, and sure enough my son was his like I had told him.

Every time I look into my baby’s eyes, I see his father. Certain songs, make me think of him.

I guess I feel bad for my son that he doesn’t get to know who his father is and he won’t for a long time. Makes me sad, because my son deserves so much more then his piece of shit sperm donor.

I hate him for what he did to me. But I love him because he gave me the most handsome little boy, my only son.