Yesterday I found out something that I don’t know how to process or take in. I’m really struggling and I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how I should be coping or processing this, or if it’s even a big enough deal to do so. My fiancé has been extremely distant lately. I’m currently over 16 weeks pregnant with our rainbow son after we lost our daughter at 18 weeks due to PPROM. We both wanted another girl so bad, so I figured slight gender disappointment might be making him act weird as he has to take in that drastic change. I’m usually not an open book like this, but I’m still really young and haven’t ever had to deal with something like this before. So I guess I just need advice. But yesterday about 5 minutes before my fiancé got home, I noticed I had a message notification on Instagram. I hopped on there, and saw a girl and my fiancé’s name along with screenshots. I started crying immediately because I knew this was going to be bad. So I read through the messages. My fiancé paid a girl $30, in return for three nude pictures of herself. He had an entire other Snapchat he used to get these pictures. He used our credit card to pay for it so I wouldn’t see the mysterious money transfer via Venmo. He made fake instagrams to contact her. He was so sneaky. Then, on top of this I found out he saved the girl’s pictures. He got on a website, kind of like a reddit almost. He and other guys were talking about this girl and her nudes. My fiancé offered to share his pictures of her, if other people bought nudes off of her and shared them with her. He posted all three, and was saying things like ‘They’re 3 for $30 and holy fuck are they worth it’ he was saying how he saved the best picture for last. He was saying how he needed to see the video of her so badly. I saw the pictures of her and the things he said, I’m absolutely crushed. I’m already a high-risk pregnancy after our loss. I have to go in for bi-weekly ultrasounds, I get weekly Makena auto injection shots, I’m on pelvic rest, there’s so much I already have to worry about. My fiancé used to have a thing for cam girls when we first got together. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, it happened a few times but I was so upset he stopped. I figured this would just be another random camgirl, but nope. She lives 20 minutes away from us and we have mutual friends in common. My fiancé admitted he’s been curious about seeing her body for a long time. I’m absolutely fucking devastated. I saw the pictures. She was so skinny, tall, cute perky little breasts, toned. She looked like a model. I’m so short, I’m not super skinny and toned, my breasts aren’t cute and tiny and perky. He literally paid to look at another woman’s body. A woman’s body that I’ve always desperately wanted to have. The kind of body she has, has always been my dream body. It just rubs salt in the wound even more. She’s so gorgeous and I’m not. I’m only going to get more unattractive and gross as my pregnancy continues. I really don’t know what to do. I love him so much but I’ve never felt pretty enough for him. This only confirms to me that I’m not. But not only did all this happen, the girl found out it was him posting her pictures on that thread. She outted him right away, blasting it all over her instagram and everything where we have mutual friends following her. People were messaging me asking if I knew him, the girl messaged me. It’s all a mess. He had to delete all his social media temporarily because of people finding out who he was. I have honestly never felt more unwanted and unattractive in my entire life. He and I already can’t be intimate because I’m on pelvic rest but we still do other stuff. I make sure he’s happy and satisfied and needs are met. I try to be cute and sexy. I’ve noticed lately how snippy and resentful he’s been to me. He’s now offering to get therapy and to go back on his Vyvanse and Prozac as well. He was bawling and crying last night, swearing he would fix things, begging me not to keep our son away from him, telling me he loves me. I just can’t believe that anymore. I don’t think he’s attracted to me. I don’t think he loves me. I just think he’s scared of being alone. If he was attracted to me and truly loved me, why would he need to pay to see another woman’s body? Why would he have been curious about another woman for so long? Why would he want to look at another woman who’s obviously and undeniably so much better looking than me? I am really so lost, and I don’t know where to go from here.