I'm 18(F), no I'm not entitled or spoiled...I am however, struggling. How has my year been? Well... I'll get to that, but first... Where it all started.

When I was 12 I had my first "boyfriend", one that I wasn't supposed to have. That's what kept me from telling my mom about the almost daily sexual assaults, that continued even after we weren't "together". I did tell her, that's as far in depth as I want to go there. Grade 7-9 I was bullied by exclusion, girls can be mean... Didn't complete grade 7 in an actual school. Grade 10, still people called me a liar in relation to what happened when I was 12, I self harmed for years after it. Grade 11/12 I switched schools... It was alright mostly.

October 2017.... Raped by 2, 22 year old men.

November 2017... Hooked up with this guy because I used sex as a form of self harm afterwards. We ended up falling in love.

August 2018... I report the rape, investigation is ongoing... But I doubt I'll get justice.

My ptsd severely impacted my relationship...

November 9th 2018, arrested and charged with assault for defending myself...had my ribs almost broken, and was given whiplash after being grabbed and shaken. Police didn't give me medical when I asked, never even got sent to the principals office in school (I'm now graduated). I reported the responding officers, but of course nothing comes of that... I have court on January 3rd. Had to move back in with my mom and little brother.

My therapist from the hospital (because no I don't have good health insurance, can't afford it) cancelled last week, was told she'd call back the next day to reschedule. Nothing... Hospital gave me outdated medical forms for pharmacare so now I don't have coverage when I thought I did, so there goes me getting anxiety medication anytime soon. There's a postal strike here, so even if I mail the forms out right away and though the office is right in the city, it won't matter. I'm so anxious I cry when I leave my house and the air touches my skin I'm depressed because even though I have 4+ years of retail and customer service experience, I still can't get a job that pays above minimum wage and gives me actual hours.

I had a breakdown tonight and cried for hours, I'm supposed to work at 10:00AM tomorrow. A 4 hour shift, only shift I'm scheduled for this week. But I can't bring myself to do it, I haven't gotten the help I've needed... And can't put myself in a position to get yelled at by customers, or even to be asked a question... I'm so fragile right now and I hate it, can't even bring myself to call the store. Life feels meaningless and hopeless... Nothing good ever comes my way.

I was a waste of a life... I guess.