Last night I woke up to use the restroom and I said "Jeez, what an inconvenience, having to get up at 3:30am to pee." And then I saw a small amount of blood. I woke my husband up and we went to the hospital. The first thing my doctor said during my pelvic exam was "For future reference you should probably try to be less tense, it just makes this harder." I then went for an ultrasound. The hospital has a policy of not allowing the mother to see the screen or ask questions during the exam. I was wheeled back to my room. I was 11weeks 5days along and the doctor came in and told me my baby had suffered a fetal demise at around 8 weeks 5 days. I asked him what I should do, and how I was supposed to deliver him and he said "Just get rid of it." As in flush my baby down the toilet. He then told me to collect myself and clear out and he would have me discharged. I confirmed with my OBGYN that I am currently miscarrying my first baby. There was nothing apparently wrong with him, he just didn't make it. His name was Nikolas Alexander and even though I will never hold him I will always be his mom, and he will always be my baby. I'm not sure how to deal with my life right now. This is the hardest day of my life this far.