I was due July 21st 2018 with our first baby, a girl! On my due date I experienced some early labor pains. But they stopped, so the 24th at my doctor's appointment we discussed being induced. He said yup we can do it tomorrow since you had a high blood pressure reading at 38weeks. I was super over being pregnant, I could literally feel my stomach muscles and skin tearing. (Massive deep stretch marks appeared in hours) So Wednesday July 25  we headed into the hospital expecting to come back with a baby. Well, first off I wasn't even dilated.  Cervix was soft but not effaced. So I was given proglastagin gel. And sent home and told to come back in the evening to check progress or earlier if I was in too much pain. I had some contractions, similar to period cramps for a few hrs then they stopped as we went back into the hospital. This time I'm 1cm dilated. He tried a membrane sweep without success 😢 I'm then given a cervadil tampon and sent home again to come back in the morning. (Baby is monitored each time I'm at hospital with no issues) ok I had contractions again over night, labored in the tub and shower. Walked around and bounced on the ball. Thursday we go in and no change,

 We repeat the process Thursday, more gel, cervadil membrane sweep (soo painful). My doctor tells me he's off Friday to Monday and introduced me to the covering OB. So Friday morning I'm tired, we live an hr from he hospital. Driving back n forth while in labor  sucks. The new doctor gives me the option of doing another round of proglastagin gel and cervadil or just the gel that morning then go home till Saturday. I agreed to the gel. She did a membrane sweep also. I cried, I'm barely 3cm and 75% effaced.  We head home and once again o had some contractions but soon they quit around 6pm.  Saturday July 28 they admitted me for good, ready for the drip. Except a premie mom came in already pushing and they had to delay me to help her. So finallyt noon I'm hooked up to the drip. I opted for no epidural so I could move around. So contractions are fairly irregular and all over the map. I'm uncomfortable obviously. At this point I've had 2 different doctors, 3 different nurses all up in my business with  different opinions on how dilated I was. They had my drip set to 26 miliunits and o could feel them but it wasn't horrible. The nurses were quite shocked as they've never had it that high before and I should be in alot of Pain. Baby is a happy camper and no distress at all. Throughout the night and early morning I labor in the shower and walk the halls. At 8am July 29th a nurse comes to check me and claims I'm 3cm 70% effeced.  She makes a snarky comment " you should just get a c-section".  In a huff I go to roll over and get up and crunch! It feels as though my spine and hips have been snapped in half. And water gushes everywhere. My husband goes for the bitchy nurse as real true, heavy hard barely breathe contractions hit me like a truck. I try to get u but the nurses come in and make me stay down. I can't breath I just cry bad plead please stop over and over. I tell them I want the epidural now. They call for it and as they prepare me i just  lay there in agony every movement causing more water to come out, I can't catch my breath. I yelled at my husband for trying to rub my leg. I just wanted off the bed. The nurse gave me fentanyl for the pain but it just  made me feel sick and caused baby  to dip in heartbeat bit she bounced back. At one point I look over and hubbys off in the corner crying. In my head I'm like are you fucking kidding me dude!! I'm the one in pain man the fuck up here I need you. Instead I'm  crying and gasping like a fish. Finally the epidural gets in and it's like heaven. I can finally breath. This took about an hr and once I'm calm the nurse checks once again and I'm at 7cm!! Holy fuck if I could have held on a bit longer I was so close. So we wait all day , my progress slows to a craw again. At 7pm the doctor says ok it's time to push. So I can't feel contractions from epidural so the nurse is telling me when to push, and I Push and push and push. I push on my knees, my back, squatting. At one point doctor tells me oh I can see the hair! I'm excited so close! And push and push and push..  my epidural has run out by now. I'm feeling the contractions hard again, I can't catch my breath and push. Finally the doctor looks at me and says your baby is stuck so I'm going to try to help you with the vaccume ok. I agreed he'll get this over with! So she tries to put the vaccume into me.. my body is so swollen from all the pushing  she can't get it in. She said she does want to force it and then accidentally stick it to me and not baby. She says you've been pushing for almost 3 hrs. We don't go Longer than 4hrs. At this point I'm going to call for a c-section. I cried, no I didn't want it. I tried to push more but was exhausted. My baby is not on any distress. I can't do it so I agreed. They shit off the drip and all my contractions stop. I'm left sitting there literally with a baby's head right at the opening but can't get her out. So they take me back to prep. I'm crying telling my husband I'm sorry I couldn't do it. He said it's ok it's ok. I cry while the prep me. No one offered any support. I'm left cold lying naked on a table with 10 strangers as they prepare.  Hubby is with me now  and they begin, I feel the touching me, cutting the skin. It doesn't hurt but I feel it all I feel my muscles slack as she cuts through them. I feel baby being pull backwards out of the canal and then a huge pain as they push on the fundus to pop her out. I started screaming I can feel that! It hurts it hurts and grab at my stomach. They give me 2 quick shots ant I'm numb, ice cold but no pain.  They show me my baby breifly before taking her to weigh. 9lbs 14oz my girl is pretty big. And so much hair. I remember seeing her, but not sure what else. We went to recover and I wanted to do skin to skin but I'm so cold and the dumb nurse won't take the blood pressure cuff off. I just wanted my baby. Finally we're in our room and I try to hold her and I can't. My ribs hurt so much that I can't do skin to skin so instead my husband tucks her beside me. Again nurses barge in and take her away as they clean my body and give me meds. Then we're alone. Finally. I tried nursing but have no clue call a nurse who just pokes my Nipple into  baby's face and tells me in doing it wrong.

It still haunts me. I regret being induced, I  hate my scar, I hate the pain i still feel as my stomach heals. I cry about it all the time.  I truly believe that my PPD is because of my birth. Don't get me wrong I love my baby and would never regret her. I just hate how she was born. I feel guilty,  like I failed. I second guess everything we did. Or shoupd have done. Should I have waited for natural labor. Should I have toughed it out longer for the epidural and made progress so I wasnt so tired. Should I have told the doctor no C-section let's take a rest and try again. Baby wasn't in distress. To cap it off we couldn't breastfeed and I feel aweful for that too. I just wanted soo much to have a natural birth and breastfeed my baby.

I'm taking antidepressants for PPD, and I've improved alot. I can sleep now and actually go out in public. But I still relive those days everyday. It's always in my head and I wish i could take it all back and do it over. 

I love my little girl sooo much  but this feels like a weight on my chest I can't get rid of. I just want to feel like myself again.