What I Want To Tell My SO (long, sorry)
I'd like to start by saying that I have a gorgeous three week old son, who I'm told is a very easy baby. I live with my SO (the baby's father) and there are just a few things I want to say to him but can't bring myself to. Maybe it's a touch of postpartum depression, maybe it's just sleep deprivation. Want I want to say is this:
1. I need you to kiss me. I don't feel beautiful anymore, and you don't often kiss me when I'm with the baby. If you don't kiss me, I don't remember that you love me.
2. I need support. I feel used. Our son eats constantly, and you're gone most of the day. I miss meals, I don't drink enough water, and I barely get our laundry done (and even then it never gets folded). When you are home, I need a rest. I need a break just to maintain myself.
3. I will never feel like an adequate mother. People tell me all the time that I am a natural mother and that I'm so good with our baby, but it all feels so strange to me. I feel like I'll never be able to love him as much as he deserves.
4. I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work. I shouldn't, but I feel like I'm abandoning him. Staying home is driving me crazy. Just sitting here taking care of him isn't enough of an existence for me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
5. When I wake you at night to change a diaper and try to get the baby to sleep, it's not meant to be frivolous and snapping at me achieves nothing. I woke you up because I've been awake with him, running on nothing, for the past 20 hours. If I don't take a break I will burst into tears and that will upset the baby. Of course, your snapping at me does that too. I envy that you get to go back to sleep and go to work in the morning.
6. I feel horribly isolated. Please close your laptop and talk to me occasionally.
I should also note that even though these comments may make my SO look bad, he is a tremendously loving person and a devoted father. Our relationship is a happy one for the most part (when I'm rested) and we're still adjusting to life as parents. If anyone knows how I can bring this up to him without sounding whiny, I'm open to suggestions. I don't want to burden him, as I feel I should be wholly self sufficient (emotionally).
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