I’m honestly fed up

I honestly don’t know what to write, this is the only place I can vent without being judged it taken as a joke. I finished work a few hours ago, came into bed and just became overwhelmed. I think I’m having a mental breakdown, I just want to cry, a tear is slipping as I’m writing this. I just feel so useless in life, all I do is stay in bed until late and go work 3 times a week. I don’t care about my health (the last time I ate was 12 hours ago, I just have no effort), appearance or anything, I don’t talk to anyone, besides for two of my friends. I just don’t feel pretty enough.

Whenever mum asks me what I plan to do with my hair for the holidays, I shrug my shoulders. I put no effort to make myself look pretty, because what’s the point, I’m not attracting anyone’s attention, no guy is interested in talking to me. I hate scrolling through Instagram and looking at posts of happy couples. Like I just want to be in a relationship, talk to someone until the early hours of the morning.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I’m so lost. I want to scream and cry as hard as I can, but if I do someone will hear me and question why I’m crying. Mum always says all I do is sit on my phone in bed all day, which is true but I’ve got nothing better to do. I’ve suggested that me and my friends meet up but they’re all busy. One of them is having the best time of her life in Bali, not worrying about anything. 3/5 including myself, talk to guys or have boyfriends or guys that talk to them/like them. It’s so hard when they talk about them.

I always ask myself, why can’t I keep a conversation going with a guy. There’s this guy I talked to earlier in the year, we would talk fine until one day he asked about my friend. I felt so heartbroken, like am I not enough, pretty enough. I’ve had so many goals for this year, but I don’t bother completing them because what’s the point. No ones going to notice my effort. If I try I just get questioned why I’m doing it. I honestly give up, but I’m not suicidal. I’ve never thought about harming myself because I hate being in pain, which is why I think I have a fear of doctors. This is probably unhealthy but I haven’t been to the doctors since last year August. I fear of receiving bad news, I don’t know why, I know nothings going to happen but I still have that thought in my head.

If you’ve come this far, girl I salute you for putting up with this unnecessary essay.

😘❤️😘❤️.