Struggling with the next chapter

3 weeks ago at my 12 week ultrasound I was told my babies NT was elevated and was being referred to a neonatal genetic specialist.

They gave me a 1 in 25 chance that my baby would have Down syndrome.

I felt like my world had stopped. I was throttled into a new way of thinking and laying our lives out.

It was a devastating realization that I knew I wasn’t a....strong enough mother? Person? to care and raise a child with a life long disability. Should I even have a baby? Do I even deserve one?

Next I know a doctor is asking me which diagnostic test I want. If I’m willing to risk a miscarriage. If I would terminate. Admitting to a stranger things I didn’t want to admit to myself.

I went ahead with the NIPT test vs the amniocentesis and had to wait two very very long weeks for results.

In that time I developed an ulcer, lost all joy for being pregnant and completely removed myself. I don’t know how to move on from here....

Today I got a call from the genetic specialist...results were negative, no abnormal, extra or missing genetic markers found.

I am so thankful and grateful but I can’t help but still feel like a terrible, undeserving person. I feel disconnected and again so undeserving of this pregnancy.

☹️