The guilt is eating me alive.

I’m sitting here at 2am in my bed staring at her while she’s sleeping. She’s perfect. She deserves so much better than me.

I’m guilty. I’m guilty of putting a man before us. I’m guilty of loving him more than myself. I blame myself why we’re here.

If I would’ve just left when everything first started happening, maybe things would’ve turned out differently. But no. I kept fighting for a family with a man who wasn’t capable of giving me one. Who viewed me as an object and stepped on me as a door mat. And I feel so guilty. I am her mother. I’m supposed to be her role model and someone who she’ll run to for all the answers. I can’t help to feel I’m failing at this job.

I wanted her, a little girl more than anything in this world and I got one. Sometimes the irony is too much for me. Sometimes I even pray above that she would find someone who would move mountains and give her the moon. Someone who finds her immaculate like I do. I never wish for her to endure such pain and abuse like I did.

It’s been 3 weeks and 4 days since we left dad. Every day is taking a toll on me. Sometimes I feel like running back. I feel like saying everything is my fault just to be near him again. Even though it’s dangerous and it doesn’t make sense... I fight myself to remain strong. I feel like the world is closing in on me sometimes. Like I’m alone and no one understands. It seems like everyone is mad and I’m to blame for going to the cops. I’m to blame why things escalated the way they did. Maybe I am. Maybe I should’ve just left. I regret those days staying there. Living in fear and denial about it. That the man I’m madly in love with would never hurt me because he said he wouldn’t. The truth is, I don’t even know what he’s capable of. And it would’ve been my fault if he would’ve hurt all of us because I stayed.

So I’m guilty. My conviction is still loving this man. Still selfishly wishing and hoping for my family. Hoping that he’ll change but I know it will never be that way.

So I’m taking the steps to become a better woman and a better mother. Taking responsibility and trying to accept what is and isn’t. I need to refocus and direct my love for her and my amazing son. And although it is not the ideal family I wanted, I remind myself daily that just us three is all I need.