He was the one I desired.

He was the one I called my home.

He was my Home.

He was you.

It always ends with you...

This is story is true and I just needed a platform to write it all out.

A little back story, my (then) fiance... had emotionally cheated on me after 3.5 years together and kissed someone else.. He struggled and said he needed time apart so he could be with other women since I was his first. Leaving him was so hard for me to do. I did my own thing... but after 58 days apart, I got what I was wanting all summer long.

You tell me everything I want to hear. But I don’t get too excited…I tell myself you are bored and drunk. You must be lonely tonight and you knew I would reply.  

You tell me you miss me.

You ask me to come over.

You tell me you have been watching our “homemade videos”, you have been thinking of me.

You tell me you feel differently, you tell me with our time apart its only made you miss me even more… 

I can’t help but tell you, I’d like to see you too. I tell you if you still want to see me when you are sober, then Ill come over then. But not tonight.

You argue and say you aren’t that drunk, and drunk or sober you still want to see me regardless. Then you go on to try and make small talk with me, but you know I don’t want too. You start to ask questions that I don’t want to answer, and I lie and tell you I am going to bed.

I can’t sleep and neither can you. You are still messaging me, and I am not responding the way you want me too.

He told me he was sorry and that he shouldn’t be texting me all of this. I agree. Its not fair! He tells me he misses me, he has been thinking of me. He’s telling me everything I have wanted to hear. He has no idea how I feel, how I have felt since that day. He says he cant remember the last time he touched me, the last hug or smile he got… I feel angry. I don’t even remember our last kiss, probably because I didn’t know it was going to be our last. But he thinks he can just finally say all this and tell me  wants me to come over to “hang out” when deep down  we both know that’s not what we want. 

This is what he wants. One last night, one last memory with me. His version of “hanging out” is sex. I don’t want to get excited or my hopes up when I know how much this is going to hurt me. But Its what I want too. Deep down I have been waiting for this moment and now its time. My last chance to feel him one last time. So I agree, I tell him pick a day that works for him and ill come by.

He replies, “Tomorrow.” 

. I reread our messages. I think about the last 58 days apart and how I have felt. I think about the other men I have tried to give myself too… I think about how close I could be to moving on from him if I just let go. But I am not  ready to let go. I know what I want and if I can get one last moment with him, maybe this will be it. Maybe this will be our way of ending on a good note because we both know how it ended was a fucking nightmare.

I am looking at myself in the mirror telling myself I am fucking crazy to be doing this. I feel excited and terrified all at once.  What if I walk in and he doesn’t feel anything, what if I feel everything. All I keep telling myself “don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.” I take a deep breath in and I get out of my car and walk in to my home.

All it took was for him to look at me that way and I felt everything crashing down. As he walked towards me, I felt myself long for him like I used to. I knew walking in through that door everything was about to change.

I was shaking. 

As he walked towards me, reaching out to hug me, picked me up and told me “I missed you!”

He shaved his face, got a hair cut. I embrace his very long hug, I smell him and my god have I missed him. But I wont admit that. I ask him to put me down, and that I need to shower since I just came from work. He lets go and I know he can see right through my “act tough, feel nothing” act. I help myself upstairs and I see our bed. MY bed. I start to tear up and think of all the women he’s  had in that bed and how I am about to be another. I rinse off, cry a little and then look at myself in the mirror and tell myself “be who he forgot, so he remembers.”

As I walk downstairs, its just like normal. We both don’t know how to act at first, he tries to make small talk, we laugh, and then it goes silent. I was at one end of the couch with a pillow to my side, and you were at they other end. You ordered pizza, we shared a few beers and we were watching the office, then you decided to slide closer.

There was that look again. That look that makes me feel everything. That looks stop time, and I think of all the great moments we have shared in our 4 years. Then I come back to the reality of things and break a smile for him. I ease up and let him get closer.

A couple hours go by and I have a pretty strong buzz going, and I see how you are watching me. You too are doing the same thing, your taking everything in because we know what’s about to happen wont happen again.

Netflix asks us if we are still watching.

You look at me. I know that look.  I know what’s about to happen.

You pull me in, both hands on my face and kiss me. My body goes numb but has a surge of energy and I go for it. I push you back kissing you harder, climbing on top of you and everything disappears.

That kiss. It was a kiss unlike any other, we got so lost in it that we both unraveled at each others fingertips. I pull away and you looked at me with those piercing eyes, I know what’s coming. “I love you Alyssa” I look at you and I refuse to say it. I kiss you again, harder.

My heart is racing, skipping beats and his hands cannot bring me close enough to him. I taste him and realize I have been starving. He touches me and remembers what my skins feels like when it brushes against his. We have loved before but it wasn’t like this. This time was different, we were both fighting for us to remember what we had lost.

He grabbed my neck and whispered in my ear “did you hear me, I love you..” I told you to be quiet, and pulled my shirt off. You embraced my body and got on top of me. Your hands starting from my neck working your way down to my hips. Breathing hard, kissing me, my neck, trying to pull me closer like you were afraid of letting go. I pull away to tell you “Come into me and don’t let go.. let me remind you what you have been missing”, grabbing those hips of yours trying to bring you close enough to show you I don’t want you to stop. You bite and suck on my nipples as I moan your name, grabbing your face to kiss mine. Filling your mouth with reasons why youll never want me to belong to anyone else. Remembering you belong to me, and I am yours.

I watch you trail your fingers down my body as a map of the places you’ve taken me before. Making pit stops at certain places with your tongue taking me back to before. As I feel your tongue inside me, I let out a moan, telling you not to stop. You don’t stop, but you keep your eyes on me, you want to watch me let go under you…

I can feel my body open up to yours. I want you in ways I haven’t felt in years. Just from your mouth and fingers alone, I am ready to cum. But I am not done, I am not ready to unravel. I want you to feel how I feel.

I stop you, and you don’t like that. But I grab your face and taste myself in your mouth. Pushing you back grabbing your dick, putting all of you in my mouth. I feel you tense up and I don’t stop. I remember what it felt like being in control, having you unravel under me. I play with you, running my tongue up and down, sucking the tip of your head, leaving you to beg for more. I feel you tense up again, your ready to cum. I trace my tongue all the way up your body and I cant help but say “I missed you” as I slip your hard cock in my throbbing pussy. And you grunt, grab ahold of me and lay me down. Thrusting harder and harder into me, you slow it down and I try and pull you closer to me. I want to feel as one, I want to take in all of you, and I don’t want this to end. Your fighting hard not to cum yet. But we feel so good, you carry me to the bench, as your still inside me. You lay me down, just how I used to like it. I grab your hips and pull you in closer. Scratching you, with every thrust you give.

Your about to cum and I feel everything crashing over me. As you look at me, pushing and thrusting into me, I feel your cum filling me up and I let out a long moan, cumming right after you. My body shaking. I cant stop. Your still sucking on my nipples wanting me to ride out the wave and feel you.

As I come down from that high, I come back to reality. That was the best sex we have ever had in years. 

You tell me to lay with you and I look at you and tell you I need some air. I go upstairs and clean myself up. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the pain. Its coming. I get dressed and wash my face, tell myself its okay and that this was it.

I walk out and you are by the door waiting for me. Asking me if I am okay, trying to hug me. I let you hug me and you ask if something is wrong, and I think your damn right there is but I we cant talk about it now…I pull away, laugh and make things weird by saying “that was fun.”

You pull me to the bed and ask me to stay the night. I want to say yes but I say “I am not sure that’s a good idea.” You see me. You know I am struggling. I start to walk away and you grab me, pull me in for a kiss.

This kiss wasn’t just a kiss. It was a kiss you didn’t want to end. Neither did I. Pulling me on top of you, pulling my clothes off again.

I am in my head. We are in bed. This bed. My bed. And as much as I want to enjoy this, all I can think is how many others have been in this bed…

As your licking my body and pulling my clothes off, I decide to shut off everything I feel, fading away, letting our bodies come together.

I grab you, pulling your face to mine, to feel your tongue against mine. Our kisses became more urgent and full of need. Your tongue slipping in and out of my mouth dancing against mine. I could feel you getting harder being on top of me, longing to be inside me again. As you kissed me hard, you put your hands on my shoulders pushing me down, tracing your tongue to my neck, to my chest. You sucked and teased my nipples making me melt underneath of you, “you have no idea how long I have wanted you.” You whispered into my chest.

My fingers grasped his hair as his kisses trailed down further, making his way to my hips and then between my legs. Inserting his tongue into my wet throbbing pussy. He cupped my ass as he buried his tongue deep inside me, making me moan out for him. He then aggressively flipped me over, pinning my hands down, lifting my hips up to him with one hand holding me as they other spanked me hard. He spanked me over and over again, each time letting his fingers enter my pussy just enough to drive me crazy. He then positioned himself so his cock was under my ass, beginning to slide it back and forth against my pussy and up towards my clit.

He laid himself on top of me, still teasing me from behind. Kissing my neck, shoulders and down my back. Tracing his tongue back up my neck to my ear, whispering “I love you Alyssa” as he thrusted his hard cock inside me. I let out a moan, grabbed the back of his neck and looked at him while he was fucking me, “I love you too..” I said right before I started kissing him as hard as I could. Those words ignited something in him to just slow down and not just fuck me anymore but make hot love to me.

When we both finished, we laid naked together, and he silently fell into a deep sleep. I should have gotten up and left but I just laid there next to him, I  couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I wanted to take it all in and remember him. Every freckle, every hair, smell of him. I didn’t want this night to end. I eventually fell asleep but not for long because I woke up to him rubbing my pussy under the sheet and him kissing my neck. I rolled over onto him and grinded my wet pussy on his cock, teasing us both. Kissing him harder and harder, tracing my lips down his body, making him moan.

I got down to his waste and flicked my tongue on the tip of his cock, teasing him. I told him “Ive missed your dick being in my mouth..” and he let out an “oh fuck” for a moan as I took him all the way inside my mouth. Bobbing up and down faster and faster, I felt him grow and get tense inside of me. I licked his favorite spot and sucked hard. He was begging me to stop but I didn’t want too, I genuinely missed this. I was getting all wet just by sucking him off, I wanted more, so I pinned him down and told him “let me fuck you…” so I turned around and rode his cock, so he could have a view of my ass bouncing up and down.

What was supposed to be a one time thing and me leaving, turned into me staying the night and having sex throughout the night. 

This was the start of us finding our way back together.

Fast forward 3.5 years later we are Now Married.

I do believe now if its meant to be it will be.... just in time, if its real, you will always find your way back to the person you love.