** DISCLAIMER - I do feel guilty, before passing judgement please read the whole passage and then comment with advice Not criticism **

Before I go into what I did I want to explain the past. Before I got with my now boyfriend, I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. I was beaten and tortured everyday for 3 years. Pretty much Right after I escaped I found my boyfriend. Before my abusive relationship I had been molested by my father and cousin, raped by a friends boyfriend, and almost sold (while in the abusive relationship). Why I am saying this : I have never had someone Give me love or attention. They always took it. I am a very loving person, I love being affectionate, emotional, and lovey. My boyfriend is Not affectionate or emotional. He never says I love you first, he never compliments me, he doesn’t like to make out, he doesn’t like to “have sex” he likes to “fuck”. It’s all about him, it’s getting himself off. He even anally raped me once, I was crying and saying no and begging him to stop but he didn’t.

Now, after all of this, someone started saying I looked nice. Then we started flirting. I sent 3 pictures. It felt so nice to be wanted and someone to tell me they missed me or wanted me. But I stopped it. I was hating being ignored at home and taken advantage of. He wouldn’t even get up from his video games at night when I got home to greet me. I know what I did was wrong. I was emotional about the rape and the non affection.

But after all of this I feel relieved. Because now I know that I don’t care about him not being affectionate and I know I can be ok. We haven’t had sex in over a week and I hate it because I want to feel loved and wanted but this is what I chose. Now I don’t feel like I’m making a wrong decision by staying. This might not make sense to you but it does to me. Please no harsh comments, I am pretty upset with myself and just trying to move forward. I know I would Never do something like this again.