Heavy on my mind... TRIGGER WARNING

I’ll try not to make this too long... so I dated a guy from age 14 to almost 20, so about 6 years. We grew apart and I started to lose interest about 4-5 years in, but I was scared to leave and tried to fight through the doubtful feelings. I loved him, but I no longer felt in love with him if that makes sense. He went away to school 3 hours away and stayed for the summers which made our relationship even harder. I had expressed to him a few times during our relationship that I was becoming unhappy and tried to express my feelings in our relationship but things didn’t change, and he didn’t really make much of an effort to change things. Well one day I met a guy here at home and we instantly clicked. I didn’t have bad intentions and he was just a friend of a mutual friend so I didn’t go out of my way to seek someone out, but I definitely developed an interest in this guy. He knew I had a boyfriend so he didn’t try anything with me, but I could tell he was interested as well. I decided it was time to break up with my boyfriend because I kept feeling curious about other people, so I knew I wasn’t meant to be with him. I broke up with him and he was cold and mean at first, but then he called me later insisting we talk. I broke his heart and apparently he didn’t take me seriously when I told him during our relationship that I was becoming unhappy because he acted completely blindsided by the breakup. My ex blocked me on social media after he realized I wasn’t going to run back to him. Well not too long after the breakup I started seeing the guy who I clicked with, I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy and I didn’t want to let him be the one who got away. I had planned to stay single for awhile because I didn’t want to get myself back into a situation where I was curious about what all was out there, but I was quickly falling for this guy so we decided to pursue a relationship. After awhile my ex started dating an old friend of mine from high school. They seemed happy and even though I knew I wasn’t his favorite person I still tried to reach out occasionally to see how he was doing and how life was going. We were together for 1/4 of our lives after all, so I still cared about him and wished him well. Fast forward 4 years to 2018, I am still with the “new” guy, and my ex is still with my old friend. This year I got engaged, this man really is the love of my life so I know I made the right decision and I am so happy. I was still blocked on social media by my ex, but I know he was aware of my engagement because my old friend who he was still dating congratulated me. About a month later my ex committed suicide. I went to the memorial and cried with his family, except for his brother who avoided me. They are catholic so they tried telling people it was a car accident and no details were revealed about his death. I found out it was suicide and that he did leave a note. I do not know what the note said but I can’t help but think I was in it, which I believe is why his brother avoided me at the memorial. I texted him the day before he died letting him know his email was hacked and sent spam to a bunch of our past teachers. He thanked me for letting him know and that was it. So it was a month after my engagement and a day after I texted him that he killed himself. I don’t blame myself because it wouldn’t have been fair to either of us to continue a relationship that we were not both fully invested in, and we were pretty young as well. It’s just really hard knowing I hurt him that much when I broke up with him and apparently he never recovered. He had so much going for him too. He graduated with his masters and had gotten a really good job. I was so happy for him and his success.

Though I will probably never find out for sure what the note said, I am pretty sure I was a big reason for his decision. I am not sure what emotions I am feeling, but I just had to talk about it. Even if nobody reads or responds I feel good having been able to talk about it. If you have read this far, thank you for taking the time to listen.