I feel so bad about myself right now. I feel fat and ugly and undesirable and like a horrible person. I smile all the time because I dont want people to know how much I really dont like who I am. I smile so people feel comfortable around me. I smile because I have always been told that you need to keep the appearance that everything is great... everyone is wonderful... nothing is wrong with me, my husband, my job, my home..

I am scared.. I am scared that I am not enough. I am scared that my insecurities will push my husband away. I even keep that smile infront of him. I dont want him to know how close I am to breaking. I have always been the one to hold it all together.. to fix everything... to make it all better.. but this is one thing that I cant fix and I am scared he will find out.. Im scared that when he realizes how broken I really am he wont be able to handle it and he will give up and leave because it will be too hard for him.

I dont love myself... how can I expect him, or anyone else for that matter, to love me if I cant even love me.

I havent been able to conceive and maybe it is Gods way of telling me that I really shouldnt. Why bring a child into the world with a mother who can not even keep her shit together.

Im just tired.. tired of all this... all my problems... all my internal hatred.. all my insecurities. ... Im just tired and scared.