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Do not put up with her! Your husband needs to take her to court. That is the only way things will get solved. Good luck!
Fed up beyond belief
I know I'm sliding down a very slippery slope here. Let me start by saying this I respect that there is a certain leeway or respect due to baby moms. At the end of the day I understand my step daughter has a mother and that I'm not it I also understand that my husband needs to have some type of Co parenting relationship with her. None of those things are what is bothering me. Here the deal. My husband has a crazy baby mom. I imagine evert wife says that , but I truly am not that wife. I have a daughter from a previous relationship so I understand one hundred percent what it feels like to be in that baby mom category ... where to start. ...my husband refuses to go to court to establish visitation with his ex, personally I found court extremely helpful bc it really guarantees that the child can't be used as leverage toward one parent or the other and it also allows fairness toward each parent. I have no idea why my husband won't go to court and when it's brought up my husband kind of brushes me off or gets angry. His daughters mother is the nightmare bm that every post and e card is written about, she hates me . Why..I have no idea. Her and I have zero relationship and the few times that I have spoken with her I have been respectful and polite. She continually takes her daughter away and doesn't allow us to see her bc she imagines me looking at her wrong or saying something wrong pretty much all the time.there is never anything valid about her accusations. They are ditch attempts at blaming me for not allowing my husband to see his dsughter. She has been doing this to my husband long before I came into the picture .. I'm the reason now, but there has been numerous other reasons . None of them ever real. Anyway the real reason behind this post is at this point I'm over it . I'm almost to the point where I am considering divorcing my husband bc dealing with this crazy person Is way more then I want to deal with. Yes I essentially signed up for it marrying my husband but he promised me he would file before we got married so I wouldn't have to deal with it, she sets ridiculous rules and controls my husband and my relationship with my husbsnd.. he has one day off a week and the entire year last year she allowed him to see his daughter but me and my kids weren't allowed near her so he picked her up for the day while me and our son and my daughter stayed home. Needless to say we got zero time with him. It caused alot of issues between us bc my kids got left out of any time with dad bc he essentially had to choose... now she decided the rest of us are allowed to see her daughter and we have to drive an hour send me and my half both ways to see her for a few hours, fine. I was like it's better then nothing , and kept my mouth shut, we bought a bigger more reliable vehicle this year as well for numerous reaeons. My husband cannot be insured on it. When he meets with his bm they meet in as parking lot near her house, bc of the distance and safety we take my van..when we meet her he gets out chats with her and walks his daughter to the car. I don't get out. I don't say anything.. so anyway she decided recently that it offends her that I go for pick up. She had told my husband that if me snd the kids are in the car he will lose the few hours of visitation he gets and that I have to stay at the house.. I was like wtf no way. Who is in my husband car in a parking lot is none of her buwiness, I'm his wife, not some bum. I am the mother to his daughters brother and sister . Not only do I feel like she has no say but for him to drive back here and get us to do our Saturday activity adds on another forty five mins to his hour and a half drive ... as long as I don't cause issues , I don't see why it's her decision. She told him he needs to meet her alone for drop off and pick up. It's tough as well bc if we are out its easier and gives us more time for him to not stop and home ...anyway he agreed with her and told me that me and the kids are no longer welcome on the drive and for me this is pretty much the final straw, am I wrong for being livid with him...??? She essentially has control in our marriage ..
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You can divorce him but if he's difficult with his ex wife/girlfriend just picture yourself in her shoes because he may not go to court with you either. Divorce is never an answer to any (ok most) marital issue. Sounds like your husband needs a spine more than anything and those are hard to come by-so be a quiet example to him on how to behave. If she threatens to take away hours or days of visiting because you're in the car-let her. It may force your husbands hand to do something legal about it finally. Don't treat fire with fire. Show grace, mercy and love, even when it hurts and I know as an ex wife and now new wife it hurst, sometimes a lot! Oh and as an ex wife I can gauraun-fricken-tee its because you're with him now why she's causing problems...and only because you're with him. (If it happened before he was likely dating someone else that was in her 'way' too-she may not want him but she doesn't want anyone was to have him either)
I was in the same position with my husband until he went to court an even still she had some type of control over him. I had to sit him down, calmly explained how I felt and gave him examples of how she was causing a rift in our marriage. When he was able to see what I was saying and it was on the lines with what she continued to do. He completely ignored anything negative she was saying or doing. The thing with the bm I'm dealing with is that she still wants to be with my husband. She will even tell the girls that daddy doesn't care about them because he's not with mommy. She's CRAZY! I'm glad he went to court.I will have you in my prayers because I know how frustrating this is. Don't give up on your marriage just yet. Keep praying, keep loving, keep up the communication (calmly. I know its hard but calm. Lol) and be the awesome wife & mother you were created to be. Have a good one!
An
thank you so much! !!!!
De
You are welcome! I wish I can give you a hug and talk while having a glass of wine š. They say being a mom is a hard job and it is but being a step parent is a bit harder. There is so much more to deal with when it comes to the bio parent. I can see you have a good heart and want the best for your family. Continue to do the best and help your husband see that the two of you are on the same team. Men don't really understand that we know women better than they do. lol. like duh...we are women. That woman knows exactly what she's doing. She is hoping that you and your husband will break up. That way she can come back into his life. Don't give her the satisfaction. Pull back a little if you have to, listen to him vent about her and then give your opinion. Walk away or change the subject after that. You have to be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. That's what I learned and I am still learning. š There should be a step mom support group. I know things will get better for you.
An
thank you, your response made me cry a little. I feel helpless and betrayed and I love my kids..all of them, including my step daughter and this is never something I would have thought would happen. I'm not like that
Don't put up with this any further. I would give him an ultimatum, he is just allowing her to behave that way. If the daughter is old enough to see what is happening it will affect her. He needs to go to court so he can establish some stability in seeing her for the child's sake! You are all a family and you shouldn't be excluded.. Ever!
Ki
he probably just doesn't want conflict with her but that shouldn't be at your cost.. I hope you get some resolution and I hope he starts putting you first..
Ki
im sorry hun i think he still loves her and possibly in a relationship with her because i can't seem to understand why he is so concerned about her feelings to the point where you are being neglected.
An
and I also feel that way I am his wife. why is she making rules for me and my husband. I don't expect him to be disrespectful to her by any means. but possibly standing up would show her we are a united front. she knows what she's doing and she is winning bc I have has just about enough. every week , every month is something new and both me and my children are being hurt by it. part of me just wants to exit the picture and let the continue their dysfunctional relationship by themselves .
It's ridiculous the run around he is allowing. Is he against court because of the child support or does he have past legal issues? I would be losing my patience with the whole thing. If he went to court, all of this could be resolved. She would no longer be able to boss him around. This isn't just about their daughter because it affects the other children and their relationship with father and sibling as well. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sadly as the step mom there isn't much you personally can do. Maybe he could drive up with you but leave you at a park or movie theatre or mall or whatever activity you will be doing as a family as he picks up the daughter?
An
I feel like there is something huge I am missing and it's starting to break my heart . with him standing together against me on these things I feel like there is no room for me
An
that's the crazy part he pays her support and when she wants she raises it or doesn't allow him to see his daughter. he says he doesn't go bc he had alot of cases years ago. all cleared ..he was a drinker in his early twenties and got in trouble. years ago... that wouldn't matter now and I have never been in trouble so to me it feels like and cop out
So I share that to say It was the wake up call I needed to get a back bone and stand up to my ex. Your husband needs the same wake up call, and it may seem extreme but.....He is probably more scared of confrontation with her then he is with you, but you have to show him how real it is that he can LOSE his current life and family all because he doesn't want to stand up to her. He also has to realize that he can't control what she does but he can Damn sure control what he allows!!! He is blantly allowing her to disrespect and disregard you as his wife along with not respecting his rights as a parent, so why does he feel so obligated to her. If he is worried about court making him pay too much, you have to make him see how much more he is losing by not going to court. If they go to court the judge will be the bad guy and tell her that she can't keep the kid away or else they will put a warrant out for her breaking the terms etc....I'm sorry your dealing with this and I wish you the best... FYI our marriage has been BLISS the best it's ever been ever since my wake up call! GoodLuck!
I can relate but from a different perspective. My husband is the step parent and we almost lost our marriage because I wasn't standing my ground with my bd. My BD is the crazy one and wants to pop in and out and see the kids whenever he feels like it and make all these crazy rules etc.... And we live several states apart and I have the kids but it still caused MAJOR issues in my relationship bc my baby daddy didn't respect me. He would just pop up at our house without notice ( again we live several states apart smh) and try to use the kids time with him as threats to give less child support.... Just a bunch of ridiculous stuff. And was always telling the kids negative ( untrue) things about my husband who he knew nothing about. Anyway my husband would express to me the same way you did to your hubby, how he didn't agree with my bd behaviors etc... We even agreed on some changes moving forward but for some reason it didn't click to me the Severity of how he felt. When I didn't stick to the changes we agreed on and I continued to let me BD act crazy My husband had enough. He felt EXACTLY how you feel! He said I marginalized him in our relationship and I was allowing this ex to control how OUR family functions and he was 100% RIGHT!! He was sooooo furious we argued and he packed a bag and left. I was hysterical bc I had NO idea it was that serious. After 2 days when he came back home he gave me ultimatum and said either you allow this man to ruin your family and you be alone while bd lives his life or you stand up for yourself, for our family, and for our marriage and you set rules in place and stick to them.
CH
Of what he is allowing
CH
But I said all that to say my husband almost leaving was the wake up call I needed!! And it may seem extreme but.... Your husband is obviously more afraid of confrontation with her then he is with you, but you have to show him how REAL it is that he could LOSE her current life and family all because
CH
Sorry the rest was too long lol....
I'm in this same boat. He won't go to court and waits for her to start everything and she's not doing it so she can "have him by the balls" She seriously told him that in order to see his daughter he had to hand over his identity. Asking for his SS number, license plate number, paper agreement notarized and so on and so on just so she can come stay with us for a weekend. It's not right and I'm going insane. I'm not married, but we plan on it so it's a little different just being the girlfriend, but she has no right to do this. When I read this I literally thought of my life!!
Ra
It's hard...
An
stop it now while u can. it only gets worse
I'm sorry you are going though this. My model is if you have a babymama you NEED to set clear and firm boundaries in order for us to be together. No women should have control over your relationship much less marriage. He is way more concerned about his babymama than you his wife. Sorry but I would have a serious talk with him and if he doesn't change I would be out...The babymama is only going to get away with what he allows and she sure is showing you how important she is in your husband life.
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