[CW: Somewhat mature content, possibly dysphoria-triggering content]

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So for almost a year now I've been questioning if I'm NB, or else FtM (though I'm leaning towards NB). I guess it's just... super hard to figure it out. And I kinda feel like I'm just faking it or something, especially cuz I started questioning really late and it was after being romantically involved with someone who acted super misogynistic. So I guess I'm just gonna list a bunch of the things I'm experiencing here and y'all can tell me what your thoughts are? Please note that I currently have no access to a gender specialist of any kind. I do plan to see a gender therapist when I'm able to, but that won't be an option for some time. For now, I really just need a certain level of confidence in my gender so that I can, if need be, start talking to people about it and maybe get a head start on transitioning socially. Anxiety is gross and I've been losing horrendous amounts of sleep over this.

So here goes:

Being called cute makes me feel uncomfortable and discontent.

However, I am okay with being called beautiful.

I've always been insecure about my height, especially since all my friends (who are cis men) started growing taller than me even though I used to be taller than them.

However, perhaps I'm just competitive?

I take a lot of pride in how low my voice is for an afab person.

I get a rush of joy and excitement and almost flattery when people online refer to me as a man or in gender-neutral terms (especially when it's without me asking them).

I've always felt more confident on days that my hair/eyebrows/complexion made me look a little more masculine.

However, I also feel more confident when my pants make my hips and legs look graceful.

I dislike my chest and on really bad days I want to just rip it off. I've pondered getting top surgery, and I like it when my shirt hides my breasts.

However, maybe it's just being insecure?

I'm extremely uncomfortable with knowing that I have feminine genitalia, and the thought that I have a uterus makes my stomach churn and I just want to get rid of it.

However, I wonder if that would still be the case had my ex not exposed me to him and his friends being extremely sexist.

And also, I don't want a penis either. I don't want anything there. I'd rather just look like a doll and not have that part of me even be a thing.

I hate it when people blame my period for my mood or say that it's "because I'm a girl".

However, I'm pretty sure most cis girls hate that.

The thought that I might have to continue being treated like a girl my entire life has made me severely depressed recently.

I didn't want to get into some things as a child because I considered it "too girly", but now that I've seen representation of men and NB people doing those things I feel confident enough to get into it.

I would always insist as a child that I was a tomboy.

However, most of the people I wanted to befriend at the time were tomboyish.

As a child I had a barbie whose hair I cut short so that he could be a boy. My mum insisted that he was still a girl because some girls had short hair. His name was Eric and continued to be Eric.

When I found out about NB people during puberty I immediately connected with it and felt attached to the term, but then I went through an anti-SJW phase and promptly abandoned the whole idea of it.

Sometimes I feel like I look smaller than I should.

I deeply enjoy the muscle on my arms, as well as my naturally thick body hair.

I've always been attached to my brother and my dad and I had a very masculine childhood (video games, wrestling each other, Pokemon, Beyblade, wall-ball, etc.)

And yet, I embrace my femininity, and I'm very artsy, I have no backbone most of the time, and I do enjoy my curves from time to time.

What the heck is going on with me? Am I a man? Am I NB? Am I a cis girl with a whole lot of internalized misogyny and body issues? I have no idea and honestly it's making me more anxious and upset every day that passes without understanding.