You are STRONG!

Good evening. I've had 2 twin girls carried to term when I was 18 (they are 9 now), followed by another healthy girl last year (she just turned a year). The end of July I found out I was pregnant. It all happened VERY unexpectedly. I had an IUD go too far up in my uterus earlier this year, so I had it removed. Since then we'd been trusting God, the rhythm method, and condoms. We had intercourse on one of the like 8% chance days, you know, one of the ones right before your "green" days. I got paranoid and thought about buying a morning after pill but I said hey, an ovulation kit is cheaper (and I don't really believe in that pill anyway). I tested to make sure I hadn't, and wasn't going to ovulate in the 5 day time frame in which sperm live. Sure enough, not till 6 days later. I marked it as a successful miss and went on with life. Only a few weeks later I began to feel nauseous. I was sitting, doing my makeup, feeling icky and I said, oh yeah, that opk has 1 hpt included. I peed on it expecting it to be a BFN, but nope, BFP. I remember crying because all I could think about is my career, my baby, my pre-teens, and how much this would affect them all. I felt like, how? I did everything right. Sperm isint supposed to live SIX days!!! Why!? Suddenly the sadness turned into happiness when my 2 eldest were elated ( I was forced to tell them. Long story). I began to think of what a blessing this was and maybe we'd finally get our son, but another girl would be great too. Something still didn't feel right. My back ached. Bad. I had never experienced this with my other pregnancies. My HCG by blood had been tested Friday but my doctor wanted me to go in Monday to retest to ensure viability. Ok, no problem! I didn't want to wait for the results so I left and said, I'll check it later on my labs under my profile with the hospital. Checking it. They dropped. Google why. Google what. Google success stories. Oh, vanishing twin. Well, I've had twins in the past so that's it.....probably not. Back pain getting worse. ER time. Doctor still hasn't called to tell me blood results even though I already saw them. "I think I'm miscarrying." "What do you want us to do?" I felt like it should have been followed by, "you're only 4 weeks." So because it's so early, me and my BABY don't matter? Sad. More bloodwork, US, and pelvic exam later and doctor comes in and casually tells me this is not a viable pregnancy. I burst out into tears and she responds, "it doesn't mean you can't have another baby, you're just not going to have this one." Thanks! That makes everything better (or not). I'm told it will be any day when I start to bleed and pass the "tissue". Home now and husband doesn't understand; doesn't feel what I feel. I'm alone, mostly. 2 days later the bleeding started and that marked the end for that angel. I feel weeks later that I'm mostly suppressing feelings which is my way, but boy does it catch up to me. How could I love somethimg that didn't even really have a chance to form? It feels as if I lost a child. Like a "real" child that you touch and smell....and actually know. I want to tell you ladies that have gone through later miscarriages, especially stillborns (God, it's hard to even type), that I cannot even imagine your pain. You are so freakin brave and courageous, and strong! Don't let anyone ever tell you different. I hope if you haven't yet, that you will soon place that pain and hurt in Gods hands. Let Him carry you. We were never meant to face "God sized" problems, with "human sized" abilities. One day we will know why God took our angels home, and God oh God, we will get to see them again! I'm so excited for that. I don't know about you, but if that's the only thing I had to look forward to in the afterlife, then get me there with Gods speed :). God bless you ladies. Keep the faith!