I have been married since 2007. I have to explain this far back for you to understand. After we got married the husband went to the hospital for diabetes and after we got home i threw away all junk food. He threatened to divorce me. Over pop tarts. Seriously. Then little things like i looked at a neighbor and i was accused of sleeping with him (i didn't) i let that go and forgave him. Then i got pregnant with my oldest. I don't remember what i said but apparently ticked him off and he hit and tried to choke me. I forgave him and didn't fight back. Got pregnant again. Same thing. He started lying or i at least caught him. Told me if i didn't like it, leave. You knew it when you met me. Fine, ok we can work on it. But i started not to trust him. Fast forward a few years. I got pregnant a 3rd time. I had a miscarriage christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a>. First arguement after, miscarriage was my fault. Oldest son was diagnosed with autism, my fault. Says if i want to know why he is the way he is look in the mirror. I still forgave him and didn't fight back. Now i fight back. He tells me when he dies he will be with his lord and savior and i need to burn in hell and calls me a demon. Past few cycles it goes like this. I go to talk to him telling him i feel like a single parent cause i am raising 3 children and soon ro be 4 on my own and doing it off 2 hours sleep at a time. He tells me to get over myself, its not about me and if i want attention get a puppy....swears itv won't happen again.... awards to get on medicine with he does then a month or so later he says he runs out then everything is my fault....quotes bible verses and says hevisca man of faith and of God.... if i ever cheat god will allow him to kill me, says itv says it in the bible and there is nothing god can do to stop me.He has hit mev where right now i have tape holding my glasses together and pushed me where i fell. I am mot innocent cause i hate him. I mean literally loathe him and the sight of him makes me want to flipping puke. He tells me he hates me and i been nothing to him then 5 minutes later its i love you. He told me i didn't want my kids so i punched him in the face. I just had enough. I have told him i deny God and that he don't exist cause god won't stop him from doing this. I denied god and that's why i am going to hell. I hope not and i been praying and crying for 3 days out of what god will do to me. I am terrified. I have been praying he protects my children from the devil cause he probably won't listen to my prayers anymore. The husband is walking around like nothing happened and is looking for attention and i ain't giving it to him so iam.quiet and ignoring him. He wont take up for me against his family. I was quiet christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> before his parents showed cause before that he busted my lip. His parents threw attitude cause they said i was ignoring them and not opening something within 5 seconds. I wasent ignoring them. I was actually trying to clean up wrapping paper so my 8 month old didn't put anything in his mouth. The husband said nothing to them and let them throw attitude at me. I can't even read the bible i hate it and i don't want to its just having it quoted to me and thrown in my face while he gets to be this man of God tears me apart.he literally will watch me struggle with something and stare at me while i do it. If something breaks, i have to fix it. He wont help at all. So i let it go and it bottles up over months of being tired and exhausted and doing everything i explode and i am the bad guy. Then its rinse and repeat.I don't want to hate God but i don't know what to do. Do i still have a chance to make it right with God or is it too late? I totally accept what i have done and accept if i go to hell i just want my children protected. Currently its the phase where he has a dr appointment tomorrow. And i can't leave he will take my children away the first chance he gets. I told him i didn't want him in the delivery room with this one cause i don't need the stress. Hev tells me if i don't let him that him and my other kids will disappear out of state and i won't have a place to go to when i get out. With my 8 month old the day icame back from the hospital i had to clean cause hec swore he would have didn't. I was in so much pain and if i would have said anything he would have told me if i can't handle it i shouldn't have had kids. So i just leave it alone and stay quiet. Did i mess up beyond what god can forgive me for?