I was due on January 9th and was supposed to be induced January 2nd. The induction day was set so that things were controlled due to me being on blood thinners for a DVT. I needed to be off of the blood thinners for at least 24 hours before delivery just to be safe and that way I had the option for an epidural.

December 28th (38 weeks and 2 days) rolls around and I'm feeling great. My family and I go to Walmart to snag some last minute baby things and dinner. I pick out these adorable Disney pajama joggers with Thumper on them to put in my hospital bag and I also get a new bra. I'm feeling fine, but a tad tired. My pelvis aches like usual and I'm very ready to go home and enjoy the weekend.

We get back and I get to wear my new comfy pants and chill out on the couch. We eat dinner, watch a show (Stranger Things season 2), and I'm getting pretty tired. I had taken my blood thinners at 7 like usual. It's about 9:38 pm when I feel a POP and a gush of fluid. I kind of make a shocked sound and stand up.

My mom is white as a sheet as she says, "What???"

"I think my water broke? Or I just peed myself." I was still holding onto the hope of a relaxing weekend.

She yells for my sisters (23 and 11 years old) and I go into the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. I feel like a damn faucet and it won't stop pouring out. I confirm that it's my water by trying to hold it to no avail. It's go time.

We get to the hospital and the contractions aren't too intense, I feel confident about going natural. I'm smiling, laughing and feeling not at all anxious.

They check us into the room and my uncle shows up for support. My aunt and two cousins were supposed to be there but they were all sick. I change into the hospital gown (dripping alllll the way to and from the bathroom). I denied being checked because the contractions weren't too bad yet and I didn't want to risk infection. I was 3 cm and 50% effaced a week before.

I hadn't really thought about who would be staying in the room during Nikolai's birth while I was there. Beforehand, I wanted my mom in the room. But everything progressed so fast that the whole dang party stayed.

I was told flat out that an epidural wouldn't be possible probably unless I stayed in labor until 7 am the next morning. Everyone knew that it wouldn't take that long though, so I was stuck. I felt good though (for a while).

Niko's heart rate kept dropping on and off so I would have to rotate frequently. At one point, my old midwife came in (they switched me to a high risk doctor mid pregnancy) and I was so dang happy to see her. She held my hand and told me she was proud of me. My mother's old doctor was there too, she was the doctor who helped my mom and aunt give birth. It felt like I was surrounded by family and love.

Things were getting more intense. I couldn't hold back making a low "ooooo" noise. The contractions were coming every few minutes. They asked again to check me and I let them this time, I was at a 7. It was late, I don't remember how late. Maybe around midnight?

Things started to ramp up from here and it was the slowest and fastest 3 hours of my life. It hurt. Like, really fricken hurt. I was starting to get worn down and Nikolai's heart didn't want to stabilize. They tried getting me to labor in different positions (which hurt like hell to move into while contracting).

They took the monitors off me and rushed to get an internal moniter going because they couldn't tell whose heart was beating, mine was so fast. That whole process was incredibly painful and brutal to experience, I just remember a lot of pain and them taping the moniter to my inner thigh.

I couldn't say anything else but ouch and ow really fricken loudly. Then, the thing that no one wants to happen happened. My body wanted me to push and I couldn't stop it. I just fricken pooped myself. It was horrible, smelled awful, and I was too exhausted to care. Seriously, so embarrassing but heck. Everyone already saw everything so my pride was already out the window.

They made me go on oxygen and keep rotating on my side to try and finish dialating as I was at a 9 but still had some cervix on one side. My uncle, mom, and sisters all took turns holding my hands and being there for me. I remember this one nurse was just so helpful, I would focus on her and breathe. It somehow made the pain less.

The doctor had tossed around the idea of a C-section because baby and I were distressed. I wanted to say, "Yes, just get him out. I don't want to be in pain anymore!" But I couldn't speak. It hurt so much. I was contracting one on top of the other without any breaks, probably every 30 seconds. The iv fluid they had me on didn't even help slow them down.

I appreciate it now that the doctor let me do what came naturally to me. She didn't jump the gun on surgery.

I got checked again because I kept feeling the urge to push and it was time. They pulled in all of the equipment (I can't describe how wonderful it felt to see those light go on and know I was finally going to be done with everything soon). and told me that holding my legs up might help me.I guess other people were supposed to hold my legs but I just grabbed under my thighs and pushed 😂 I think I pushed for maybe 15-30 minutes, maybe less. I looked up several times to see my mom crying and my little sister too (she was such a trooper). Next thing I know (after fucking the burning ring of hell, crowning sucks!) he came out at 3:41 am on December 29th. He was 6 pounds 6 ounces and 19" long.

He looked like a little purple alien honestly, haha! They put him on me and I can't remember him crying. I rubbed him a little and kept saying, "I did it!"

They whisked him over to The NICU team who came in. It was a bit frustrating because they didn't tell me what was going on at all as they worked. He had a bit of a hard time breathing I guess so they were trying to fix that while I was getting stitched up (second degree tear). They always talk about how you can't feel the stitches but I sure did. It was pretty uncomfortable. I finally heard him cry and they bought him back over so I could snuggle him.

He was so calm and tiny, I was scared to hold him.

I guess I was bleeding a bit heavily at one point but it stopped, which I'm grateful for. It's really a miracle I didn't hemmorage as I still had blood thinners in my system. I don't remember much except being cleaned up and..??? I remember a nurse helping me to the bathroom. Blood was just running down my legs and she helped me use the little spray bottle and wiped my legs off. As I hobbled back to the bed, I saw all the blood on the floor (it looked like someone got stabbed).

At some point, we were moved to the maternity ward. I remember being in there around 5 am because I texted my best friend, showing him off.

I didn't sleep that night because I couldn't stop staring at him, I was so very in awe. I remember saying "he's just so cute".

Now I'm sitting here on my couch pumping for my beautiful baby who just turned one a few hours ago. I cannot even believe my eyes. Nikolai, you make every morning worth waking up and I am so, so happy you picked me to be your momma.