thursday morning around 10:00 a.m while at work, i started experiencing light cramps with light bleeding and very tiny clots. i tried not to worry, but i started getting very anxious. “light bleeding and cramping during early pregnancy is normal, right?” i continued to tell myself. i called my obgyn and explained to them that i’m 7 weeks and experiencing the following symptoms. they told me they wanted me to come in at 11:00 a.m and get a sonogram as i had not gotten one yet. my first appointment was scheduled for january 14th. i had gotten more anxious, but continued to ensure myself that it was just light bleeding and light cramping. 11:00 a.m rolled around and i finally saw my doctor. she had explained to me that this can be normal during early pregnancy, but still wanted me to get the vaginal sonogram done.

during the vaginal sonogram, i was unable to see the screen. the sonogram technician didn’t say anything to me the entire time. once she was done taking all the pictures she needed, she had me sit in a room to have the doctor review with me the results. my doctor explained to me that i had a subchorionic hematoma, but the baby looked completely fine and had a heartbeat. she continued to tell me that with a subchorionic hematoma it is normal to bleed as i may just be bleeding out the hematoma. she also explained to me that most time they resolve on their own, and sometimes they may cause miscarriages. but there is nothing anyone can do, and we just have to let things be. i wasn’t shown a picture of my hematoma. i wasn’t given a picture of my sonogram. nothing. and i didn’t ask because i was just in shock of learning this news.

from this appointment i had picked up my daughter early and headed home. at around 5:00 p.m i got up to use the bathroom, wiped, looked down at the toilet paper, and saw a bunch of blood and three huge clots. i immediately started crying. i called my husband and just said “i’m so scared” and told him what had happened. he told me to contact the obgyn office. i called them asap, and spoke to the on call doctor. she explained to me the same exact thing that the doctor earlier had said to me. it can be the hematoma passing, or it could possibly turn into a miscarriage. but there is nothing no one can do about it.

i was home alone with my daughter at this point. i was balling tears getting up, going to the bathroom, watch blood and huge clots pour out of me, going through the most horrific pain. my husband was in pennsylvania for work. i was alone. i was terrified.

i had joined a group which included other women who have had or have subchorionic hematomas. some women explained that they had horrible pains, huge clots while passing the hematoma. some explained that they only had bleeding with no pain. either way, i was trying to be hopeful.

at around 2:00 a.m the pain and bleeding subsided. i was still freaked out, but also thinking it was just the hematoma passing. i had a appointment at another obgyn due to the one i had gone to the day prior having no appointments available.

my husband was able to make it to drive me to this appointment and attend it with me. we were both hopeful.

nothing has ever hurt more than when my doctor explained to me that there was nothing inside me. she expressed to me that the night before, i had experienced a miscarriage.

my heart dropped. i cried. i cried. and i’m still crying.

my doctor explained to us that 50% of miscarriages happen either because of a genetic problem or it’s a unhealthy baby. my husband and i believe that this subchorionic hematoma would have caused harm and problems to our angel.

the craziest thing of all, which i didn’t tell anyone, is the week prior, i had a dream i had a miscarriage. which i believe it was my body/mind preparing me. i believe my body knew that the baby was unhealthy and was trying to prepare me prior. (i usually get dreams of big things that effect my life).

after i had that dream, i honestly did not pay mind to it. because i did not want to stress myself out.

i cannot express the emotions i’m going through. all i can do it cry. my angel was fine. my angel had a heartbeat, and a couple of hours later you were taken.

i know you’re in a safe and happy place. i know you’re living a better life, but my heart is so broken.

i love you so much baby j. i can’t wait to meet you in heaven. my sweet angel.

to all the women out there who have also experienced a miscarriage, we are strong. god sometimes had to put us through this because we are warriors.

if anyone would like to reach out to me, much would be appreciated. although i have people who are looking out for me, i still feel so alone.

i feel so numb.