I had a miscarriage last year in February, a week before my 20th birthday. I found out I was pregnant and the next day I had a miscarriage. I’ve had trouble dealing with it or even connecting to it because it happened so fast. During those two days though I never once thought about myself. I was thinking about what my mom wanted me to do (abortion) and what my (ex)boyfriend wanted me to do (keep it). He told me that I’d just be the girl that killed his baby. My parents thought I’d be throwing my life away. I was so concerned about what others would think of me, about losing my parents and or my boyfriend depending on what decision I made. I was so concerned with all of this that I didn’t even really pay attention to how much I was bleeding or the cramps I felt, I was told it was normal. My boyfriend ended up driving down to my college that night I was having a miscarriage, and I ended up being the one that comforted him. I was the one who was going through all of this (and yes it was his baby too) but he was mad at me. He wouldn’t even let me touch him and then he turned around and said “you wanted this so you have no right to be upset”. After the miscarriage I tried to talk to him about it, for months, but he would just say “it is what it is we can’t do anything about it” and end conversation right there. I needed to get my emotions out somehow and I thought he would understand, but he just pushed me to the side. I broke up with him in august because he just wanted me to give up my dreams to accommodate him. He told his friends he wanted to get me pregnant again so I would stay. I’ve just been mad at myself because during that whole time I was so focused on him and not on myself and what I wanted. I think of that baby all of the time though. And even though it isn’t here physically, my baby has helped me grow so much and made me realize what is right for me.