I'm crying everyday. I'm missing you all the time and I don't know why. Why am I missing you? It's been 7 weeks to the day that we agreed we needed to split up. It was the wrong time for us, we both were hurt from previous people and didn't have enough time to heal fully. But I still miss you so much. I miss you holding my hand. I miss you kissing me, your kisses were always so tender and sweet like you put everything into them. Your hugs always felt like coming home. I always felt so safe with you. Even at the end when I think we both knew we were finishing, I felt safe with you until the very last second of each others company. I'm sure you've already moved on and it hurts like you wouldn't believe to imagine you with someone else but you're such a sweet lovely and caring guy that I hope if you have she treats you with the respect you know you deserve. You need to stop putting yourself down because even now almost 2 months since we last spoke/saw each other you mean so much to me. You were my first proper boyfriend so you'll always be special and I can't allow someone who was the first to take a place in my heart to think so low of themselves. I don't know when I'll be ready to move on, I can't imagine myself with anyone else right now and god knows when I will. I need to sort out what I want to do with my life and take care of myself before I let someone else in, cause I can't have this pain again for a long time now. The way you made me feel is something I'll never forget, you made me feel like I was important to someone finally. Like I meant something to someone. I don't know, maybe you've already forgotten my last name but I never will. I can even now remember the smallest details from our first date which was months ago. Damn me and my stupid ability to remember small things. Damn my sentimentality. I wonder if we'll ever cross paths again. I don't know. Maybe we were only brought into each others lives to teach the other something. Maybe I for you so you could finally see what it's like for someone to treat you right and with a kindness as you say that you've never experienced before because of how badly your ex's treated you. And maybe you for me to see that I could actually date someone who likes me for me, who doesn't think I'm boring and that maybe I am enough for someone. And if I never met you and went through our breakup I never would've used the pain to fuel my determination to get my shit together and start focusing on my future. I'm now starting a full time apprenticeship job at a museum, something that incorporates history which I love. As well as studying a part time law degree. Despite new things starting for me in 2019, I still feel this overwhelming sadness that'll take ages to go. I'm sad to leave 2018 because it means finally saying goodbye to you which I don't want. Or I do. It's 50/50. It's been a painful year, but you were part of a few happy times I've had and you showed me new things which I'm thankful for. I'm scared for the future. I'm scared to forget you. I'm scared to move on without you. I'm so alone without you and my best friend who's forgotten me it seems. I just hope I won't feel sad forever