I was supposed to announce my pregnancy to the world Christmas Day.

I was supposed to start showing this week

I was supposed to start picking out ideas for our baby nursery

Instead,

I personally know 4 people who are due in July. One of those girls is a close friend of mine. You wouldn’t believe when her due date is...........that’s right. July 7.

Currently in a bathtub writing this bawling my eyes out with bottomless envy and jealously.

Two miscarriages and a surgery right around the corner to better my chances to try again in February.

TTC for 7 months. Losing hope so quickly.

My husband and I are 25. I should just be able to conceive without trying so fucking hard. Not only am I grieving my most recent loss in November, but I’m grieving the fact that it’s not going to be “easy” for us to conceive.

I am so bitter and I feel guilty about it. I wouldn’t want anyone feeling the way I am when it is my turn....selfish I know.

Every time I have a period I get flashbacks of my miscarriages. The clumps, masses, tissues, and the baby. Oh, the baby.

I feel so empty. I want a child so badly. We checked all the boxes. College degrees, paid off cars, paid off loans, a house, a savings account, everything! We have careers and a retirement plan. I have such a huge heart and all I want is my baby to come.

2019, please be kind.