Infertility

Infertility is checking every step of the way through your cycle. From cervical mucus, cervical position, ovulation tests, symptom spotting ovulation, timing intercourse to coincide with your fertile window, and then impatiently making your way through the two week wait. Infertility is charting your bbt (basal body temperature) symptom spotting the entire time even when you know it's too soon for any of those symptoms to be pregnancy related, taking pregnancy tests too early and being disappointed and heartbroken by each and every negative. Infertility is getting line eyes when you look at tests even though you know you're grasping at straws. Infertility is convincing yourself there's still hope regardless of how minute. Infertility is anxiously awaiting af (aunt flow) and being devastated when she finally rears her ugly head. Infertility is the destruction of hope when another cycle passes unsuccessfully. Infertility with irregular cycles is being hopeful when your period is late, regardless of the fact it means nothing. Infertility is finally falling pregnant only to result in pregnancy loss and hearing the people around you try to comfort you with words of "at least it was early", "at least you know you can get pregnant", "it'll happen when God thinks it's time for you", likewise being given the advice to "just relax", "go on a vacation and let loose, that's what worked for my xx", "have you thought about adoption?", "dont rush it", "you can just watch my kids", and other such comments. Infertility is a conflicting feeling of being happy for others but feeling sad for yourself and not being able to come to terms with feeling both ways simultaneously. Infertility is scrolling past the pregnancy and birth announcements on Facebook because your wound is constantly raw and you're trying to save your shattered heart. Infertility is crying when someone else you know announces their pregnancy and you wonder when your turn will come. Infertility is wondering IF your turn will come. Infertility is feeling broken. Infertility is wanting to avoid baby showers but going to support the people around you even when you know it will mean crying in your car on the way home. Infertility is bitterness directed at those who will never know the struggle of trying desperately the grow your family despite the fact that you would never wish it on your worst enemy. Infertility is a constant sense of loss. Infertility is so much more than what you see on the surface.