I had feelings for a straight girl who was never going to be interested in me because of her orientation. In the meantime I had been getting closer with one of my friends. She opened up to me. She told me about her eating disorder, her depression, and the horrible things her parents said to her. I thought I was starting to develop feelings for her. In my mind there was nothing worse than seeing her suffer and the only thing I wanted was for her to be happy. I thought that this was love, that I wanted to be with her. I thought about her a lot. Started telling my friends. They were all excited for me, but I still had the other girl in my mind. I still thought of her, saved her pictures, smiled and blushed whenever I saw her. I would mull over ever time she’d ever compliment me. It was a huge crush. I still knew I liked this girl. I asked my friends about what they thought. “Always choose the second, because if you really loved the first you wouldn’t have feelings for the second,” one said. “The second one sounds more like love. The first is just a crush,” said another. I didn’t know why I was still asking. It felt like a waste of time. One was straight, I wasn’t sure about the other. Eventually at the end of the year I played a game of chance with one of my friends. Said that if something very specific happened, I would confess my feelings to the second girl. It happened. My friend was so excited. Me? I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I felt disappointed. It didn’t feel right. Why did I just receive a sign like that. I realized she wasn’t really who I wanted. I knew I liked the other girl more. In the end I still ended up dating the second. We dated for about three months long distance. It was alright sometimes. I felt happy when she texted me. I liked being with her. My heart would race when she would compliment me. She couldn’t always text me though. There were times she would disappear for weeks at a time because of her parents. In those weeks I would worry, but I would also think about the other girl. She ended up breaking things off because of her parents and in a way I was relieved. Now it’s been a few months. It’s harder to talk to her now even though I want to help her through her troubles I can’t because her parents take her phone. I can feel her getting increasingly annoyed with me. She seems hurt by how fast I’d moved on. The other girl changed schools. I don’t think about her much anymore. I’m in love with someone else now, even though I know my ex still has feelings for me. I just regret it I guess. I made a poor decision. I should’ve left both of them alone. I feel like I played with her feelings, like I betrayed her and her trust. I have to remind myself that I really did think I loved her. I think I still do love her. Just not in a romantic way.