I'm married. I've been with my husband for 3 years. For 3 years we've had issues that you shouldn't have in a marriage.

I started dating when I was 16. All the girls were talking about boys, and for as long as I can remember family would use examples like, "one day when you find the right guy..." or "your future husband..." I lost my virginity when I was 16, to a boy. In the 10 years I've been dating, all but 2 relationships were Male. I kissed my first girl when I was 17. The overwhelming feeling was stronger than anything I've ever felt with a male. I brought her home to my family after 4 months of dating, but I didnt actually tell my parents we were dating. They found out when she stayed the night one night, and my mom walked in to wake us up and saw us cuddling in our sleep. From that point forward, my dad would make "jokes" saying I was a carpet muncher, and that I was just experimenting. But it didnt feel like experimenting to me. It felt whole. She passed away 6 months into our relationship. After some time, drugs, and running away I was sent to another state to live with my real dad. Started dating a boy, got pregnant nearly immediately and was with him for 2 years. Our relationship was horrible. Everything I did was wrong, and required his abuse to tell me just how wrong everything I did was. We broke up finally, and 2 weeks later, my house was broken into in the middle of the night and I was attacked. Spent 3 days in the hospital, and when I got out, I went back home to my family. From that point forward, I searched for anything that made me feel comfortable. A couple years and a lot of wrong relationships, i met a girl. We dated for about 2 months, until my job required me to relocate and she couldnt come along. A few years from that, i met my husband. He was suppose to only be a drunken one night stand, that turned into a relationship. We had a child together, as well. From the beginning, we had big issues, but I think he was trying to settle, and I was tired of searching.

When I'm out in public, I dont look at other men, I look at women. I find men to look attractive, but when it comes to sexual thoughts, i have a hard time fantasizing men, where as those fantasies just come to me for women, so easily. I've talked to my husband about bringing a female into out relationship, but as the conversation moves along, I start mentally replacing him with her, instead of it being a third separate person.

Sex is never enjoyable. Not with men, at least. It never really has been. It's so disconnected, and a lot of action, but no feeling. I try different things, and the feelings and emotion are still absent. No matter what I try, I cant feel any intimacy. Where as, the women I've slept with are always used to compare to the sex I have with my husband.

So, I think after too much time thinking about it, I'm a lesbian. I dont believe my marriage will ever work out, because it's not suppose to. But I'm stuck. I feel trapped. I'm 26, a sahm with a 15 month old and 7 year old, hours away from my family, in a tiny town that has nothing. Divorcing would require my whole life to change drastically, in ways, I'm not ready to handle. Plus, having to explain myself to everyone, every time I see them.. I'm unhappy and I'm trapped, and I don't have the courage to get unstuck. I'm ashamed of myself. Im ashamed of the position I've put myself in. Im ashamed of the deception towards my husband. I'm just not well right now.

I just needed to get this all off my chest. I've been holding on to it for too long.