My husband and I have a 5.5 month old daughter via

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. We always intended to have two kids, especially since we can give our daughter a sister (we have frozen female embryos left). With <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>, we have to plan ahead because I have to make appointments for testing and consultations to start trying again. So we need to decide because we would want a 2 year age gap ideally, max 3. It should be a no brainer because we planned for two. But I have really been struggling and conflicted. I’m not sure if maybe it would be better for us to only have one. My reasoning:

ONLY ONE:

- financially it would be easier, as I am a SAHM and my husband works a lot of overtime to make that possible. If we only had one, he could work less, or we could do more with the money he makes. More vacations, more activities for our daughter, pay down our mortgage faster, etc. We could stay in our small house longer and worry less about money.

- I have generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression and pregnancy and postpartum have made them worse. I am on medication for the first time in years and feeling great, and I don’t want to go off, but I am afraid to be pregnant while on meds.

- I feel that I would be a better and more patient and attentive mom to only one, and I should accept my limitations.

- I have such a bond with my daughter because she gets 100% of what I have to give, and splitting my attention between two kids feels sad to me because my daughter will lose something and her sister will never even get to have it. I have read that only children tend to have stronger relationships with their parents.

- my husband and I are not close to our siblings, my husband’s relationship with his sister is especially bad, and we are afraid to recreate it.

- I had an elective c-section because of my anxiety reaching extreme levels, and I’m afraid of my uterus rupturing or something if I get pregnant again (my OB isn’t concerned, I’m just paranoid).

- if we only have one, my husband and I would have more time and energy for our marriage and we would get back to “us” faster.

- my husband is a cop and his schedule is unpredictable and I’m afraid if we had two, someone would be let down a lot because I can’t be in two places at once (sports and activities when they’re bigger).

- the shots and tests and procedures are not fun and I imagine they’ll be a lot harder with a toddler to care for.

- my pregnancy with my daughter was relatively easy and she is healthy and wonderful and I’m afraid to tempt fate and try again and have a bad experience or a loss.

HAVE A SECOND:

- what if my daughter is lonely?

- I have always pictured two little girls and I can have that, and what if I regret it later?

- I have a name picked out for a second and I can’t stop agonizing over this which I think means my heart wants another even if my head does not.

Logically I feel like I have already made my decision and my daughter will be an only child, but emotionally I feel like I want another. Those of you who have made this decision, how did you decide? Looking back, would you choose differently? I’m looking for input because I really am struggling to decide.

Pic of my miracle just for fun 💕