*trigger warning

I never thought I would be exposed to domestic violence because I’m so strong minded and kind hearted, but here I am. The only form of an abusive relationship was what I saw on television, where there were no happy moments in the relationship and the victim was always in fear. When our relationship is good, it’s great. I can see his potential and I make excuses for his brokenness since he was also a victim of abuse during his childhood. It started with breaking my things, destroying the house, and disgusting name calling. I kept giving myself boundaries, “if he touches me, I’m gone.” Next came the hair pulling and throwing things at me. “If he hits me, I’m gone.” Then a few times when he’s extremely upset, it turned into being back handed a few times to the point where I thought I blacked out. I still stayed. I still gave him nothing but unconditional love. I tried to remain perfect and do everything to his standard. Everytime I seriously consider leaving, we go back to normal and It’s good again. I have been at the hand of his abuse and constant anxiety for 7 years now. Last night due to an incident my mother found out about this abuse and tomorrow she is helping/forcing me to leave. Leaving is bitter sweet because I love him but I can feel the weight preparing to lift off of my shoulders. A piece of me also hurts for him. I really thought I could be the person to make a difference in his life. I allowed myself to be dependent on him. I live in his home and I quit my career to return to school with his promise he would help me financially. I only work twice a week due to my full time class schedule and I have $2,700 in tuition due plus the cost of books. I have nothing to my name except for my dog, mattress, and clothing that I am taking. I am afraid that I am not strong enough and that I won’t be able to survive. I have been on my own since I was 17 and my mom doesn’t fully have the resources to help me. I didn’t grow up in a cookie cutter home where I can return to my own room. I am appreciative of the small space in my younger siblings room that my mom is able to give me.

Any advice or support is greatly appreciated and needed. I am a very private person and besides my mom, I don’t have a support group due to hiding my struggle.