We found out at our 20 week ultrasound that our daughter had extreme fluid in her brain. We were referred to a specialist for further testing. The specialist confirmed the fluid and found her cerebellum was 3 weeks behind and she was missing her Caval Septum which is the piece of your brain that connects the left and right hemispheres. They couldn’t guarantee her quality of life. All they could say is best case scenario she would need multiple surgeries in the first year of life and she may never walk or talk. Worst case she wouldn’t make it to term and if she was born she might not know how to breath on her own. We made the excruciating choice to have a D&E.

The choice was made out of love. I didn’t want any of her time on this planet to be spent in pain. I didn’t want to gamble her life for my own selfish reasons.

I want to share my experience for others who may find themselves in a similar situation. The procedure was a two day process. The first day I went to the hospital to have the dilators inserted. This was very painful. The emotional trauma of knowing that this was the end made the physical pain worse. It took about five minutes to get the dilators in. They do give you a shot of lidocaine into your cervix but you definitely still feel everything they are doing. After they were placed the cramps started immediately. They felt like mild labor pains without the tightening of your stomach. I went home with ibuprofen and laid in bed for the rest of the day with a heating pad. My little girl moved all day. And I knew it was some of the last movements I would feel.

The next day was the surgery. It was a long day. They had me arrive two hours early. They called me back an hour late. They wouldn’t let my husband back at first. They brought him back about 25 minutes later. My surgery started an hour and half later then scheduled. They sedated me as they were rolling me back but I still started sobbing. I made the entire surgical staff stop what they were doing and look at me. I told them that I love her and I’m only doing this because I love her and that I don’t want her time on this earth to be in pain. I made them all promise me that they would kiss her little head and tell her how much she was loved. They put me to sleep shortly after that. Then I woke up. No longer pregnant. I felt nothing. No pain. Minimal bleeding. It was almost like nothing had happened at all. Two hours later I was released and sent home.

The next day I took it easy. Staying in bed for the most part. I was only spotting. I didn’t take any pain medicine because the cramps were so mild. I’m two days post surgery now and I feel fine. It just feels a little PMS. Emotionally, I’m a mess. I feel just a profound sadness and emptiness. My husband and I plan to conceive again ASAP. I feel the only thing that will keep me looking to the future is having another baby to be excited for. For now I’m grieving. I’m trying to keep my mind busy but every time I see a baby on social media it’s a punch in the gut. I have a toddler who I am trying to stay strong for. My husband has been an incredible pillar of support for me.