I was sexually abused by my older brother for years when I was younger. So that's the original cause of these nightmares, I'm sure. Anyway, I haven't had nightmares for a while as it's been a few years since I lived with him, but the past couple weeks I keep having nightmares of people taking advantage of me.

First one was someone forcing me to suck his dick. I was crying and I didn't want to but he kept saying it was okay in that horrible way that they do when they know you're not okay but don't really care about anything but their own sick pleasure.

I've also had several dreams these past couple days where there were men who got me drunk and the nightmares were me swaying and trying to move away knowing that I didn't want to be near these men, but my body just wouldn't move. One got me into his car and was driving me away from the bar out into some dark place where there wasn't anyone to save me from being raped. Another one was a pair of men (who took the form of two actual men who verbally harassed me at a crosswalk a few months ago) and they had me backing up into the corner of a room because I couldn't get past them and didn't want them touching me. But I was drunk so I couldn't get my body to listen to me when I needed to move to push past them to get away before they got too close. They trapped me and I couldn't move. I was just trying to stay awake and on my feet because I wanted so badly to be able to fight back but I couldn't.

I just don't understand why I'm suddenly having nightmares again--and I haven't been assaulted by strangers but even when I used to have nightmares it was often strangers too but idk why because I haven't experienced assault from anyone I didn't know.

Anyway I am just sick of waking up paralyzed by fear again. I thought I was past this and it sucks and is making me think about my own actual experiences during the day which I just want to forget. It drags me back to that feeling of being weak and powerless.