I’ve been feeling frickin horrible.

Yes, I’ve lost weight since this time last year, but I still feel fat.

I am pretty much starving myself some days with the thought that eating anything will make me gain weight.

I know that won’t help anything.

I cry at midnight when my family is fast asleep.

My mind races and I spiral, remembering what I did wrong, what I said that I shouldn’t have, and how much I hate myself.

I don’t know anymore.

I’m homeschooled, so I rarely see anyone.

The only friend that actually talks to me thinks I’m just hormonal and dramatic.

I wasn’t talking that much last time I was at her house and her parents starting back talking about me, how I’m such a negative, pessimistic bad influence.

People berate me. They think I’m sooo tough just because I’m not a talkative, social type.

They think what they say just bounces off. It doesn’t. It sticks.

I was freaking suicidal.

That same friend just told me to be happy.

I don’t know. I’m torn.

I don’t know what to do. About school, about my weight (even though I’m trying so damn hard to lose weight.)

About my mental capacity, about me.

My birthday is the 25th. Most people don’t remember. I’m not inviting anyone. Or doing anything. Why should I?