Trouble bonding with my baby
I just can’t connect with her and I don’t know why. I don’t want any harm to ever come to her, nor do I want to harm myself, but my own daughter feels like a stranger to me. This is my first child. Husband and family do provide help but most of the care is on me now, to be expected as I’m on maternity leave now until I go back to work. It just feels like I’m taking care of someone else’s baby. I do get protective of her, correcting people on how they’re holding her and caring for her, but I almost feel that’s the control freak part of me and not the part of the worried mom most expect me to play. I find her cute and she’s not terribly difficult compared to other babies I’ve heard of and met, but I’m not having that loving connection with her that I would expect to have right now. It could be fatigue, since she’s still so young and I’m on maternity leave all alone at home since my husband is at work. So maybe those factors - sleep deprivation, stress - are getting in the way of me connecting with her. I don’t hate her, but I’m not head over heels for her, at least not yet.
Friends and family ask me how I am and say how wonderful it is to be a mom and have a baby like this, I lie and say yes. I pretend that I have that crazy strong loving all knowing bond with her to appease them when they ask about me and her, all the while wishing I could believe what I am saying. Truth is she’s a stranger who depends on me to survive. I don’t resent her, I resent myself because I know if I had that crazy strong bond, head over heels in love bond, that bearing those sleepless nights and all other frustrations might be worth it...right?
Is this a form of postpartum depression or is this just normal..and the strong loving bond with my daughter comes later as she “evolves” more? She started smiling and reacting recently, I find it cute and I love seeing it...that’s good right? I’ve heard that other moms don’t feel connected in the beginning and I don’t know how much truth is to that.