Throwing it out into the Ether

Bo

This is the 2nd day in a row that I've had a mini meltdown. I am 10 weeks 4 days along with my rainbow baby and just terrified. We lost our little girl at 13 weeks back in August... missed miscarriage, but I'd discovered it quickly. I'm beyond blessed with a 16 month old son, and his pregnancy was textbook. As a worrier, I'd purchased a home doppler and used it throughout my pregnancy. With my 2nd pregnancy, I didn't use it too often. I was far too busy handling my toddler! I was preparing for our first trimester screen later in the week and decided to pull out the doppler for a quick check. The silence was deafening. No heartbeat, no placenta.... an ultrasound would confirm later in the morning that she'd been passed for a few days.

Now I've been blessed with this rainbow pregnancy and I'm so fearfully grateful. The doppler sits on the table and I just don't know if I even want to use it. I can see it from here and I'm torn by simultaneous, and conflicting, desires. 1) How lovely would it be to hear that precious galloping music? But 2) My heart can't take the possibility of that silence.

I'll see my doctor at the end of the month. I think I'll just continue lying here.