I can feel my heart breaking... bit by bit.

So many emotions... I need someone to talk to this about. Someone to cry to, or with.. I need to cry. Get mad. Let out all this emotion.

My best friend... is 6 months pregnant. Ha.

Six months... and I hadn’t heard anything about them trying or wanting a child, until I told her that we were trying and had been for almost a year at that point. Two months later... she’s pregnant.

And now, I can’t even talk to her about anything. I get so emotional, I swear I roll my eyes so far in back of my head.... and that’s not fair. I shouldn’t be so bitter. But how... how can I not be? How can I not get upset with myself, with her, with everything around me fuck sakes. Only person I don’t get upset with is my husband. I literally break, and drop to my knees... no words, we don’t talk about it anymore because he knows... I know... he knows I’m breaking inside. He knows I can’t do this anymore.... I feel weak, and just typing this out. I’m having a hard time breathing.

I can’t be that person... I can’t not have a child or my own. I can’t be......... I need to give him a child of his own... I need to see his smile when I give him the positive test. I need this.

Please. God. Please Nan... I need this.