So, from the moment my parents split when I was 4, my father was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. He would always tell me if I was getting fat or yell at me if I didn’t understand a math question. He broke my guitar over a couch once because I didn’t want to play it. I can’t remember if I told him to fuck off or kicked him in the balls, but I know I ran for dear life and ended up being pinned up against the wall. So I’ve always been terrified of my dad but idolized him as a child. And before you ask where my mom was, she was terrified of him more than me. He threatened to take me away where she would never see me again. And while they were together he mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically abused her. So though she may have not done enough at the time, I understand why she didn’t. My mom is my best friend now and I forgive her.

So now because of my childhood, I don’t know how a guy is supposed to treat me. I’ve never dated a good guy. I have dated guys with no futures, no ambitions, no dreams. Throughout high school my dad kind of stopped caring and drifted away from me so I went from having an idol to no one, which led me to making horrible choices such as one night stands to try and fill the void of acceptance or being good enough. None of which I’m proud of.

Now I’m 27, in my own apartment with 2 cats and my ex boyfriend. He has been living with me for almost 2yrs. We dated 4yrs ago, and have been friends since we were like 14..

I see all these posts of people with these amazing men and are getting married and having kids and it makes me sad cause I’m never gonna have any of it. I’m stuck. I’m in an abusive relationship without even being in a relationship.

Today I said after attempting to shovel the driveway (I live in Canada and we got about 10inches of snow last night) I got called a bitch cause I was upset that he wouldn’t put his video game down when I asked him for help. And then he proceeded to call me a cunt because I said that I shovelled the driveway every time last year when he said he did. I didn’t want to argue so I tried to agree and take it back but it was too late. I was told I was just like one of his ex’s and that’s why we don’t get along (which is news to me cause besides his outbursts that I set off, we seem to get along ok), and that’s why I’m not his type. I’m not shy and quiet. But if we go out, he gets mad if I just sit there and don’t talk or smile but thinks I’m flirting if one of his guy friends talk to me and I talk back and laugh.

He has called me every name in the book and constantly tells me when he is upset that he just uses me for sex (which I don’t believe seeing we rarely ever have sex! Maybe 3 times between my periods if I’m lucky and I’m the one who is always asking for it). He says that he tries to be nice but all girls just walk all over him and that’s why he treats girls like shit.

I’ve gained about 40lbs since last year. I just haven’t been able to afford a gym membership. But I’m starting a new job next month where money will no longer be a problem and I won’t be struggling anymore and will be able to go back to the gym and get back down to a healthy weight. (No, he doesn’t work. Don’t ask why. I don’t know anymore. It’s gotten to be just bullshit and excuses to me)

Before he used to be the reason I wasn’t drowning, now it just feels like he’s the reason I am. And I don’t know what to do. I think of him leaving and a part of me feels the pain I went through when we broke up and then some days I want him to just leave my life so I can be who I want to be.

I’m not allowed to talk to guys, I’m hardly allowed to leave the house, unless it’s to go to work or grocery shopping. He threatens to leave all the time and tells me how miserable I make him and that he’s just waiting for me to tell him to leave. And yet, I can’t bring myself to do it.

Abuse like this is all I know. I know I have no future with him. My mom thinks that he’s just gonna use me until he has no more use for me. She thinks that when I’m 40yrs old, he will finally leave and I’ll have nothing. I was supposed to be married with kids by now and yet I’m questioning what I did with my life and wishing I could redo it all. I wouldn’t have been such a slut in high school, I would have focused in school more and I would have known my own worth instead of what my worth was to guys.

I miss being loved by a guy, being told I’m loved and feeling safe. Now I just feel like a maid. I cook, clean, shop, work. He sleeps and plays video games.