So it’s 3:35 AM, and I’ve been up all night. I have to work in a few hours and I can’t seem to sleep.

I have nowhere else to post this without serious consequences.

Little back story... I don’t remember a day anymore where I haven’t thought about suicide. Not so much suicide I guess but I think about dying nearly every day. I’ve rarely had a “plan”. My thoughts are always just general wishing I wasn’t alive and wishing something would happen to me.

I was committed one time in high school because I really thought I was going to do it. I didn’t want to. I’ve never really wanted to, but I’ve just wished death upon myself and wished I had the guts to.

Fact is I don’t have the guts, and maybe I just don’t really want to?? I’m not positive.

It’s been over 10 years of feeling this way and I feel so tired.

Medication doesn’t work. Therapy hasn’t helped. I’ve been on the self care train for ages. I’ve tried everything. I’m an anxious wreck all of the time and I swing in and out of these major depressive episodes.

For years now I’ve thought once I got to where I’m at now I’m my life I would feel better, but I don’t. I’m married to a wonderful man that is everything I could have hoped for. We own a beautiful home. I have a great job (finally). I should be happy. I should want to be alive, but I have no desire to.

Have any of you felt this way? I feel so dumb and like I can’t tell anyone. I think everyone thinks I’m doing great, but I’m not.

Any advice would be appreciate. I want to be happy so badly.