So, I was with my ex for 7 years. Throughout the ENTIRE 7 years, he cheated on me with multiple women. Rather talking or texting, or have sex with them. I never "caught" him in the act, but between the texts, the calls, the hotel visits, & more, I knew what was what. I had two children by him (both high risk & both c-sections). I catered to him in every way. But, I was never "good enough" for him to stay faithful. He was mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, & financially abusive. He never helped around the house or with the kids. I had a son when we met & at first he treated him decently, but it seemed like he didnt even like him, let alone love him, after we had our first (a girl). After our second (his name sake), it was worse. It's very clear that our daughter is his "favorite " child. I hate it.

Anyway, after s huge fight, he left for a few days. Of course, I know what he was doing. He was on POF & meeting up with females. I know because a friend of mine saw him on there. I made a fake profile & there he was. Didn't take much to get him to agree to meet up. I never went, but damn... again, just one of many pieces of evidence to my case.

So, after 6 years & this fight, I told him, whatever he did, i would do. He got pissed. But why? If you're not doing anything, why is this a problem? So, I did it. I started talking to another guy, & another... & another two from out of state (exes). After a year of talking & another female & fight, I had sex with one of the guys. I felt so bad, but so free. We only had sex a few times, & it really was just revenge sex. But the other guy I was talking to felt different. I really liked him. I stopped the revenge sex & was focused on home. I even cut off the guy I like. Then, another hotel visit. I was devastated & done.

I had sex with the guy I liked & it felt right!! Long story short, my guy found out. He was pissed. He left me for a few nights & came back wanting to work it out. I didnt really want to because I knew he would just continue & we'd be back where we were, but I did it anyway. I cur everyone off & committed myself to making it right.

My gut went through my phone & saw text of happy holidays & went off. He called me everything in the book & then wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I had it. I was tired of trying with someone who was STILL cheating & lying & hurting me. I wanted out. It was time.

He did so much to me & I took it year after year after year. Over & over & over. He couldn't take what he gave & I didn't want to continue to be like him. I told him to go.

I dont feel sad. But I'm mad at myself. One, I took it for so long & was the fool for so long. He was playing me from the start & I just took it. Trying to get him to change. Two, I allowed myself to condescend to his level & he come like him. I hate that I let someone have that much control of me. I put him before myself & my children. I feel like a horrible example, person, & mother. I'm starting to hate myself. I've battled depression for so long & I feel like I'm slipping back into it. Am I a horrible person? Do I even deserve to have peace? Do I deserve to find happiness? I feel like I should just be alone forever.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I know two wrongs sit make a right, but damnit I couldn't take anymore. If you read all of this, thanks. I know I suck.

Sorry