What do you think?

Question

So before my husband and I got married we discussed that we wanted 3 children. Soon after being married we became pregnant with our son. Our son is currently two I have talked with my husband about starting to try for a second baby, he originally said let’s wait until he’s two and then we will talk more about it. I spoke with him about it earlier today and he said that he no longer wanted to have anymore kids because he didn’t want to be a burden to other people that watched our children while we worked. My mother in law who keeps our son has been begging us to have another. I am upset because I don’t think that it’s right that he all of a sudden changed his mind about having another baby. I even offered to get my tubes tied if we have another baby and he still disagrees and thinks I’m being selfish. I am very upset because I don’t think it’s right that we agreed to something and now he changes his mind even after I agreed to get my tubes tied if we have a second child what do you think? Am I being selfish or is he?

Accepted Answer

You’re both being selfish. Neither of you seem to be taking each others feelings into consideration.

Answer

It’s easy to say you want three kids before you actually have any. After having one and realizing how much work they are, etc. some people change their mind and realize one is enough for them. Having kids is something you both need to agree on and is a very big decision that is not to be taken lightly, so if he doesn’t want more kids you have to take his feelings into account as well and accept his wishes.

Answer

I guess you both kind of are in different ways. You need to come up with a compromise clearly. Maybe he’s just not ready quite yet and needs more time. People change though, he might have thought he wanted three and now after having a child, doesn’t. My husband and I always said we wanted four. Now being pregnant with my second I do noooot want four.

Answer

First of all, your mother in law doesn't get a vote in this decision. It's between you and your husband, so leave her opinions out of it.
Second, you are both being selfish. Talk with a counselor together who can help you  communicate your perspectives in a way that you can both listen and understand.

Answer

Neither. I mean his excuse is kind of lame. But having a child takes a lot, after one he probably realized that. It's something you all need to talk about together though.

Answer

The problem is, before you get married and have kids and all that, you and your significant other can “agree” to something hypothetically. But when reality hits, and the time comes for something, especially having kids, things can change. It’s life and it’s something that married couples need to understand. That’s where compromising comes into play and practicing those communication skills between the two of you.
Now it’s one thing for guys to agree on kids and then to be married and have one spouse to completely go back and say they don’t even want kids anymore at all. That’s a bigger deal. But compromising on the amount of kids is more doable.
I can totally understand you’re upset and have wanted multiple children. You make plans, get your hopes up, imagine your life a certain way...etc...but your husband is allowed to have different thoughts and feelings about the situation. You just need to discuss it and be honest about your feelings. With that said, I don’t think your husband is giving a valid reason to not have anymore kids. It must be something else making him change his mind about having more. Maybe he’s overwhelmed by just one kid right now? Maybe he’s overwhelmed with the amount of money it costs? Maybe he’s just afraid of having another one? Either way, I think you should get to the bottom of what’s really going on. It shouldn’t just be about “you said this before we got married years ago and now you changed your mind”...It should be more about his emotions and feelings, and yours as well.

Answer

I see both sides and I’m in the same situation. My husband does not want anymore children where I do. We have after a lot of discussion decided to try for number 2. It’s really hard. I do have moments of wanting only 1 now too, to support my husband. But marriage is a compromise.

Answer

Yall agreed on 3 kids at the beginning and now hes saying he was just one ? Compromise for 2 kids then. I have 2 boys w an ex and my now husband wants kids(he doesn't have any) and I wasnt sure if I wanted anymore, so I just said f it, I'll have one more.. but for ur bf to make the decision by himself saying no more kids , is a no no.

Answer

It’s definitely a tough situation. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m in a similar situation now. We currently have one child and I want at least one more but really I’d love 2 or 3 more. We talked about having at least two before we had our daughter and now he says he doesn’t want anymore. I’m so disappointed because I was so set on her having at least one sibling and I feel like it isn’t fair for him to go back on his original promise but at the same time I don’t want him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I haven’t found a solution yet but I’m hoping he changes his mind.

Answer

I don’t think either of you are being selfish.  Having another child is a very impactful, important decision and you are on different pages with your wants.  I agree with the other poster that counselling would be a great option to work through this.

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