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Much needed rant
Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone. It was so much easier when I was younger. I just wrote about it in my diary. No one could understand what I went through as a child. Don't get me wrong I loved my parents. They had adopted me and my brother at the ages of 5 and 6. For the rest of my life I was the perfect child. Never getting into any trouble or disrespecting my parents. I thought I owed them everything. This in turn caused me to never express my feelings. I grew up being distant with everyone around me. I grew up learning not to love others because you could end up hurt. I feel like that affects my daily life. Especially since now I'm in my first real relationship. I have a hard time telling my boyfriend my feelings. So instead I say nothing at all. I want us to trust each other. But it's so hard. We want to have a child together. But sometimes I don't feel like he's in it 100%. Sometimes I'm very insecure about myself. I know I'm really overweight. I know I'm not the prettiest girl. I wish I was more fun and loving. I have a hard time saying what I want. Sometimes I wonder why he is with me. He could probably do better. I expect so much from him. Maybe I'm trying to make up for what I lost as a child. I don't know. I'm a very cold hearted person. But so many people have taken advantage of me that all I can do is put on a fake smile and be nice. Last week we got into a fight. I've been so insecure. I see him go in the bedroom and close the door to work on his stuff. In my head I don't understand the need to close the door. I feel the same way about the bathroom. Why does he have to lock? Like I said it makes me insecure and I have so much time to myself I think about different scenarios. I wish I was more normal. But I'm not. Maybe once I lose this 100lbs he won't have to watch porn and will only have eyes for me. I am pretty sure he watches porn. I have walked into the bedroom multiple times and he quickly removes his hand from under the blanket. Is it normal for men to still watch porn while they're in a relationship? My personal opinion that once you're in a serious relationship you don't need it. I am available any time of the day. But I feel that if you need to get off by watching it your obsessed by the ideal of what you see on the screen and are telling us you'd rather have something fake then real. Whenever I want to set the mood because I love you you always tell me baby I'm tired. But I'm available whenever you want. I know I'm not as skinny as the girls you see on the screen but I'm working on it. I just want us to be happy. I know I act like a bitch sometimes to you. It list irritates me that a lot of stuff I feel is common sense and stuff you should know as an l. I just hate our relationship sometimes. To me it always seems like he doesn't want to do anything. I feel like I'm competing with his computer. He's on there way more than he spends time with me. I do so many things on my own. And it gets lonely. I'm so jealous of all the other couples I see doing things together. Just taking a nice walk would be nice but he hates it. If we're not going to do things together what's the point of being in a relationship. I want our relationship to be more than just about watching tv or sitting on the couch and “chilling”. But that's just me ranting. I have no one to talk to so my mind replays everything and Turns it into things it's not. On a completely different note I am so disgusted with myself. I feel so fat. It's so hard to lose weight when I'm always worried and trying to stay busy so I don't lose it. I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin. Everyday I am surrounded by women who are much much skinner than me. I feel fat and ugly. I think I'm the fattest person in my own family. I am so depressed and I can't tell anyone because I don't discuss my personal problems. I am so homesick and lonely. I have no friends here because it's hard to make friends with people in this town. The only thing I ever had to look forward to was choir.
I wish I could just scream sometimes or just run away. But I can hear my mothers voice telling me that we don't run away from our problems. We face them. I can't help but think that I've been a disappointment for my parents. I've tried so hard to be everything they wanted. So many times they put me down. I remember growing up thinking of all the times I wanted to commit suicide because the pressure was so intense. It still is. I just want them to be happy for me but that's like asking for a miracle. Maybe I expect too much from life.
I know this sounds selfish but I want him to spend more time with me. When we first started dating I felt like a little girl. He literally showered me with so much attention I didn't know what do. Now he's always in his room on his laptop. I know he's working on his hobby but sometimes it would be nice to come first. I just want to be number one and not compete with a computer. Even though I'm probably just over reacting. But I can't help how I feel. I love that he has put such an effort into staying put with one job. And I realize that his job is super stressful but so is mine. I want to hang out and do more than just sit and watch tv. I want to do activities with the man I want to marry. But he never wants to go outside to do stuff. I don't want to be alone as I do stuff. It makes me feel like I did when I was single. And I was super depressed then. I slept all the time and I feel myself being dragged back down that path. And it worries me. I don't know if I can live like that again. How do normal people handle problems like this? I'd be interested in knowing. I just feel lonely. Maybe it's because we moved in together and maybe it just takes away from the excitement of getting leaving each other at the end of the night to see each other the next day. I just feel like an old married couple who never goes out and does anything but sit and watch tv. I don't want to be a couch potato.
On another side note I have to bring up the whole Florida thing. It really irks me that he is only interested in his plans. I REALLY don't want to move to Florida. That will be more lonely than it is in Winona. I have no friends in Winona. The only friends I have are his mom and sister. If I lose seeing them daily I’m just going to lose it and completely feel sad and lost and miserable. I don't want to live in somewhere where it's usually hot or warm. I love all 4 seasons. I feel like it's a do or done thing. Every time I makes suggestions about where I want to live since it seems like Florida is the plan I get mocked and insulted. I get told that I don't know what I'm talking about because I've never lived there. When I do. It's like my interests don't matter. I do care about his interests. I even look football stuff up. I know his favorite color is red. His favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. His favorite cookies are his grandpas peanut butter cookies. His favorite drink is Mountain Dew. He loves to collect watches. His favorite cereal is shredded wheat. He likes the crunch little Debbie treats. He loves meat especially steak and he likes it rare. It may not seem like much but I Do my best to make him happy. I don't need to cook but I cook for him to make sure he has something to eat. If I lived on my own I'd probably love on crackers and cheese. I go to the store and ask myself what would he want to eat for dinner.
We both wanted to start having kids. . At first he really wanted to do it. Now I don't feel like he wants it. It really crushes me because he doesn't understand how precise you have to be. There's only certain days. I'm also three years away from being 30. The older we get the harder it is for women to conceive. Sometimes I am so in love with him I just want him to love me in that way but he's too tired. I honestly feel like an old lady. He doesn't want to sleep with me anymore. He's always too tired or some excuse. I wonder if it's because I've put on a lot of weight and I'm not as attractive as I once was. I think we should just give up trying. Maybe stop having sex altogether. Besides he has his porn he can watch. The women on there are far more attractive than me. I think I'm just going to have to come to the term that we probably won't be having children for awhile and that I should start going back on bc because it hurts too much. Today is a good example. He wants to relax. Ok that's fine. I just cleaned the entire house. Do you think he could've offered to help? Nope. Buts it's fine. It's like whatever. But he has to go relax in his room. With the door closed. I HATE when the door is closed. I don't understand why it has to be closed. It's not like I'm making loud noises in the kitchen. In fact I'm not making any noise. Is it all just innocent? Him just watching his shows for his league thing or is it more? Is he in there watching porn? Maybe I should start watching it.
I'm just so tired and lonely. I can't even sleep at night. He doesn't know that I cry myself to sleep. Is it so bad that I want to be loved at showered with positive attention. Growing up I was the one person everyone could count on. I made other people happy. I wanted someone to do the same for me. I want to be loved just for me. I want to stop questioning it. Maybe I should see a therapist? Maybe they would be able to help me with my problems. And help me to stop questioning myself and the people who love me.