Best Day turned Worst Day
I'm hoping writing our story will help me come to terms.
I'm 27 and my husband 28. We decided to try for a baby, knowing all the statistics and thinking it would take at least a few months to conceive. I've also had a previous history of hormonal imbalance, and had been told by previous doctors that I may not ovulate every month. We were fully prepared for months of no birth control, and then several more months of legitimate TRYING. I went off the pill and barely blinked before getting a positive pregnancy test in the first month of being off the pill.
My husband was so incredibly excited. He kept telling everyoneeee from the minute he knew I was pregnant. I kept telling him it was too early to tell many people, that a miscarriage in the first trimester is common, we shouldn't get too excited.
But I was also saying this for myself as much as for him, because I didnt believe for a minute that I would miscarry. I was eating all the whole fruits and veggies, avoiding all the things I was supposed to, had started the prenatal before even finding out, started doing prenatal yoga every morning...I was doing all the right things. I had done so much research on which prenatal to take and what to make sure it had in it. We had planned how we were rearranging the bedrooms in our house to make a nursery. We had 2 boys names and 2 girls names picked out, complete with middle names. I'd finished making the baby registry and doing all the research for the best car seats and strollers and high chairs and diapers.
And boy, was I pregnant. The nausea, the cravings, my breasts were so sore and got so big so quickly I had to buy a couple new "extra support" sports bras.
We started following every week of development on several different apps, learning which week he developed his heart and eyes and little arms and legs. We saw some other people who had posted 6-7 week ultrasounds, and we really couldnt see a baby in them at all. There just looked like a tiny squiggle in the picture. We joked to our baby that we would see him soon in one of those pictures, and that he was going to look like a little squiggle too. From the moment I felt pregnant, before even taking the test, our baby had always been a boy to me, even though I really wanted a girl. From then on, we had nicknamed our baby Squiggle.
My husband and I went in for an ultrasound and consultation when I should have been 8 weeks, 5 days along by my last period date. Being a military family, I had to switch to a new OBGYN practice because the one I had previously gone to wasn't approved for our military insurance.
We first went in for the transvaginal ultrasound. I had been nervous about this for a few days, because at scheduling no one had told me I would be getting undressed and having someone shove something up my vagina in front of my husband, and I only knew it was a possibility from thing I had read a couple of days prior. This made me really uncomfortable, but I felt it was something I had to live with. We didnt really know what was being looked for in this ultrasound or what to expect.
The tech first went to each of my ovaries and did the little size measurement on each one. Then she went back to the baby, and moved the stick around some for what I'm guessing was a better view. Then boom! We could see our baby and we started excitedly talking about how we could make out his little head and arms and legs. There was our baby!
And in that same moment, the tech took away all of our happiness and my reason for being. She said "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat." Then left the room, saying to take our time getting dressed. We didnt even know we were supposed to be looking for a heartbeat, and the doctor wasn't called in to check.
I got dressed and they put us in a normal clinic room, where my husband and I sat and cried, and cried, and cried. A nurse came in to do my blood pressure and weight, then left and we cried some more.
The doctor came in and said "you have 3 options. You can do this naturally, but it will be the most pain you've ever had in your life and there will be a ton of blood and it will be messy, or we can give you a pill and that will help speed it along, or we can do surgery. You'll be put to sleep, you wont feel anything, there will be very minimal bleeding and you can go back to work the next day."
She never talked about the ultrasound, besides saying the baby measured 8 weeks and 4 days, aka pretty much exactly what it should have measured. That was it. No "the rest of everything looked normal, or abnormal." No "we can wait and do another scan in a week or two." No "we should monitor your hcg levels over the next week to be sure." No "I'm sending you across the street to the hospital to confirm."
She never even said "you've had a miscarriage."
Obviously from the way she worded the choices, my husband asked about the surgery. He asked if it was something that we could wait to decide on or if it could be scheduled like a week away. The doctor said "no, we'll do it this week." And made it sound like I had to have this emergency procedure done ASAP.
I agreed to the surgery. They took a few vials of blood to do blood typing (even though I told them I was B-) and gave me a Rhogam shot (because they believed me enough to give me the shot, but not enough to get out of having blood drawn for it). They didnt take hcg levels along with this.
They scheduled the procedure for this Friday. The day all of this happened, Tuesday evening, my husband and I just cried the rest of the night until we fell asleep. Wednesday, we went to work and tried to carry on as normal. That evening, I had enough sense about me again that I started researching to see if other people had experienced the same thing.
I've still had no miscarriage symptoms. I know missed miscarriages exist. But I was SHOCKED to hear that EVERY PERSON I READ ABOUT had been offered some sort of follow up or alternative way to confirm they had miscarried before being talked into a medically assisted abortion, besides one heartbeat absence on an ultrasound. Most people were told it wasn't good, and chances are slim (most people were quoting 10-20%), but that they would do blood levels and a follow up ultrasound just in case. Others reported being told there was no heartbeat, and a week later it was found just fine and their baby was perfectly normal.
Why was this not given to my husband and I as an option? Why did this new doctor want us to abort our Squiggle immediately? She wasn't even there for the scan.
I also found that, while obviously not pleasant, the risk of infection by miscarrying naturally at 8 weeks is really not that high, and seems like 10 weeks would be the cut off for really recommending an alternative method.
Why was this pushed so much on me?
My husband and I have decided to cancel the surgery, where (as my doctor put it while we were crying) "they would just suck it all out of me." We dont have any hope that Squiggle is still okay, or expect to hear/see anything different from another ultrasound, but we think we owe our baby another look and another chance before inducing a medical abortion.
I could never live with myself if we weren't 100% sure.
I think I've also decided that no matter what answer I get, I want my body to do this in it's own time when its decided it's right. I will only do a surgery or induction if it's absolutely medically necessary.
I think this decision is right for not just my body, and my baby, but my mind. I think it will bring closure.
Update: When I tried to cancel the surgery appointment, they had a vicious circle of "no you have to call this number instead," even though I called the number on my paperwork that said "to cancel call xxx." Eventually I got to a random persons voicemail and was basically dead ended. I didnt leave a voicemail, but apparently word got around the hospital that I was going to cancel and they started harassing me about why I canceled my appointment (funny on the wording, considering I never made it to someone to cancel). They then wouldn't let me cancel and the nurses wouldn't leave me alone about my decision until I made another appointment with them.
It's taken me a week to get a new referral letter from my insurance for a 2nd opinion from another doctor at a different facility, and their next appointment isnt for another week. I tried online canceling that forced appointment with the 1st doctor, and havent gotten a confirmation that they actually cancelled. I will NEVER go back there, and I'll make it my mission to let other women know how they handled everything and harrassed me for several days.
Still no physical signs I'm going to miscarry, but I've accepted it's going to happen. I know in my heart our baby is gone.