I saw my absuive ex last night... Longish rant

Ashley

I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was just tired of him asking.. begging to see me again. I wondered if his touch still made me tremble the way it did when we first met.. it didn't.

His kiss was.. bland. I just felt like I was kissing someone's lips. I had little to no feeling whatsoever

His touch.. left me wishing I'd never come.

He smelt of cigarettes and despair... Though he was still begging for my love.

Love I just don't have for him anymore.

I'm weak though.. we hooked up. It wasn't what I planned.. after, I told him we'd work on us.. what a lie.

I've blocked him only to unblock him so many times. I answer when he calls and I still say "I love you" bashing myself for even saying it when I don't mean it.

I mean.. part of me still loves him. He gave me a life in my belly who I'm so excited to meet and raise.

I dont miss him. Last night clarified that.

I do miss the good memories.

I know our lives won't work together. He promises he'll make me so happy I'll never think of leaving again..

But that's the thing. Again. I shouldn't of had to leave to begin with if it was meant to be. If only he treated me properly instead of so damn poorly neither of our hearts would be broken.

I'm leading him on saying "I love you" only to tell him I hate him and want him out of my life. But it's true.

When I say the words "I love you" I feel like I'm choking on those very words. I feel like someone is holding my throat screaming "you don't mean that why are you saying it you're so stupid why???"

I've been on YouTube listening to great music just trying to find a song that fits my mood.

I just find it so hard to let go of him. I hate when he calls me I hate when he text me.. all he does is say the same stuff over and over again.. why can't I block him from my life for good.

I know it's what's best for me and baby..