I don’t know what’s going on with me! I know I’m not feeling like myself. I’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of my pregnancy and I’m now 3 months postpartum and it’s just getting worse! 😭

My feelings...

•I’m always feeling like a bad mom/wife. I haven’t cooked in weeks. I didn’t clean my house for over a week. Every time I looked at the mess it would piss me off. I would go to do the dishes or something and I would just stare at them and cry. My husband would try to help but anytime he would try to touch anything I would scream at him. Telling him you get up and go to work from 4:30am-5pm. I would tell him this is my job. He ended up sneaking downstairs one morning(on his day off) and cleaned the entire house. Of course I was happy to see my house clean again but I also just felt like a useless piece of shit both financially and as a house wife.

•I never feel like I’m good enough. Like tonight I was trying to rock my son to sleep for over an hour. I asked my husband to try just so I could get a little break. My husband rocked our son to sleep in 15 mins. My son was fussy with me. I still don’t understand what I was doing wrong.

•I get so angry for such little things. Like my dogs will start playing and be loud and I will just scream at the to shit the hell up(I know I’m a terrible person). I feel so bad for it later that it brings me to tears.

•Sometimes I feel like I hate everyone! I hate my husband, my mom, my dad, my brother, my animals, etc. But I never feel hate towards my son. I love my son with all my heart and then some.

•My anxiety is making me lose my mind. We sleep upstairs and anytime I have to carry my son up or down my stairs I have the same horrible image go through my head on a loop of me falling down the stairs with him, landing on him and killing him. I also refuse to drive my son but yesterday I had to. This was the first time since he was born. I’m always in the back with him. Watching him. Making sure he’s breathing and that everything is alright. I can’t sleep. I’m always up it feels like and I check to make sure he’s breathing 100 times at night or checking to make sure he’s not to hot or cold.

These are just a few things. But I want to make it perfectly clear. I love my son more than anything. He is my world and my reason for living.

I’m not sure if what I’m feeling and how I’m acting is normal. I’m scared to talk to my doctor about it because I don’t want him to see me as unfit or something and take my baby away. I just feel like I’m a horrible mom/wife/daughter. I just feel like I’m not doing anything right and I don’t know what to do. 😭😭😭