I’ve been with the same guy since november 2015, it’s now Jan.21.2019

!!!!Trigger warning!!!!!! Slight mention of suicidal thoughts!!!

A lil back story: we got together, were in a long distance relationship right now. In August of 2016 he cheated on me, told me on accident and I left. I’m assuming he kept talking/sleeping with her. I don’t know if he would’ve told me if he didn’t slip. He accidentally called me her name, several times and it broke my heart. Still thinking about it hurts me. In April of 2017 we started talking again and he said he was done with her and he’s never regretted something so much. I don’t know how we ended up getting back together, he never really asked me to be his girlfriend but it just kinda happened to where we talk to one each other and he calls himself my boyfriend. However I’ve never been able to really recover from the cheating. It’s made me really insecure and sensitive. I feel like I can’t ever trust him as I did. I adored him so much before it happened and it makes me sad thinking how much I was in love with him, and I’m remember the panic attacks, the days of crying and not leaving my room, the self hate, the constant suicidal thoughts I had when we had just broken up. I know it’s dumb to rely on someone so much for happiness but that’s what makes me naive now. I want to love like that again, I just am not mentally strong to have that happen again.

Now we’re in a good place, however,,, I think... I think I may not be in love with him. I think over the last four years I’ve seen so much of him I realized I can’t over the things that love blinded me from before he cheated. I still love him as a friend and that’s why I’m scared to break up with him.

Recently I’ve moved cities, so I have no friends now. He’s the only person I talk to and I don’t want to lose him as a friend, there’s just no way I could be with him romantically, and especially not for the rest of my life. Whenever he’s not around I’m mad at him. I think he’s a dick because he keeps me from doing things that make me happy. But when he comes around I’m happy and I love him. I hate myself for being so confused. I don’t know why I’m typing all of this I doubt someone will read I just need to rant and have no one to do it to. Someone please help