My morning breath tastes like weed even after I brushed my tongue 50 times last night and I’m not sure if I should feel ashamed or mad at myself.. please offer advice opinions whatever. I just don’t know exactly how to feel about this situation

Last night after an art event downtown I think was just sexually assaulted by the same man that took my virginity last year, let’s call him Bob. I had recently broke things off with bob because I was losing interest in him and I didn’t wanna continue a sexual relationship, he was upset and kept begging me to take him back and I was FIRM with my no.... but then he hits my up yesterday afternoon and I lose all morals

So this all

began because another lover whom I feel utmost comfortable with (we’ll name him Carl) hasn’t paid me much attention, not a single gym picture or good morning text.. NOTHING, and I was just upset and nervous that he found somebody else, so earlier that evening I had asked him if I could come over but he said he was working.... and I don’t know If I wanted sex or I wanted his presence, either way I was mad and thought sex would empower me in some way so before my event was over I scheduled a dick appointment with the previous man Bob because I felt like I needed that kind of touch at the moment.. so afterwards bob and I find a hotel and even in the car ride when he was kissing me I wasn’t feeling it at all.... like I didn’t feel any attraction towards him and I was mad I didn’t have the man i wanted, however me being me I still went into the hotel room with him and waited in the bed for him to get ready. Mind you this bob is 33 and I’m 18.. I’ve done many sexual things with him that I didn’t wanna do and I say stop and he keeps egging me on until I say yes, one of those times was when I sucked his dick in a public parking garage, and I know I should’ve saw the signs but I felt special with his attention... Onto my situation - he was penetrating me from behind and it hurt more than usual because I wasn’t horny which = no natural lube. So he tries to go in missionary and it fucking hurts cause I’m not wet and I think my body knew i didn’t wanna do this, but me! Not wanting to disappoint I let him fuck me and i just kept wishing he would cum so he could pull out, one or two positions later he’s back on top of me again and I finally tell him to pull out stop I don’t wanna do this anymore.. and he keeps egging me on and kissing me down. And as he goes to eat me out again to re-put me in the “mood” or something. I’m telling him no I’m not feeling it anymore but he gets me to lie down (he kept saying he just wanted to cum) and as he’s eating me out I start crying.. I want to sob because I told him no and he kept going and for a second I got so scared that he was going to fuck me again after I said no I don’t wanna be a rape victim, I don’t think I’ll be able to survive if that ever happened to me.. after I had cried for a bit I sat up and told him let’s just take a break we’ll start again “later” he’s disappointed but offers to cuddle and I don’t know why but my body just went limp as he was caressing my ass and kissing my shoulders but I felt nothing and when he asked me if I was mad at him or did he do something I regurgitated the word “no” like a baby....I should’ve saw the signs there were multiple times where I was uncomfortable with doing things and he did them anyway

afterwards I smoked a blunt and I was so shaky and I looked up the National Sexual Assault Hotline on my phone because I didn’t know what the fuck to then do and I still don’t now