So my fiance and I have been trying to conceive for almost 4 years.... in June 2017 he was diagnosed with Varicocele vein. September 2017 he got the surgery. I've read all over stories about men having a successful surgery and their girlfriends/wives expecting their first 2 to 4 months after surgery and still nothing for us. Doctors stated his numbers doubled but in the previous testing they had found a second varicocele vein in the opposite testicle. He refused the surgery for that one and said we will leave it up to God. Now we sit here every month in disappointment because we have yet to get out BFP. In the beginning after his surgery I went nuts with preseed and ovulation kits and stocked up on HPT. I realized I was going crazy so I took a step back and tried not thinking about it as much. I stopped all tests and just let it happen. Made our intiment time together fun. But how can I just not think about it when that two week wait comes around and bam AF is here for 4 days. I've checked in with my OB and show no signs of infertility I've been pregnant before from an ex but had a miscarriage. I spoke with my fiance about the second surgery and he just doesnt want to feel like a lab rat in his words. A part of me feels as if I want a baby more than he does even though he tells me he wants it just as bad. I'm at this point where I'm done, I'm giving up and I just dont want a baby anymore. I cry every other night asking God why is this happening? It sucks watching all my friends have babies and I cant. I'm about to be 30 and just cant seem to get this part of my life together. I would do anything just to be a mom. Unfortunately <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> and <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> is out the question being that we cant even afford that right now. Sorry for the long rant I just couldn't say all of this to my fiance. Not sure if he would understand how I'm feeling and I dont want to make him feel bad about anything either. Ugh I really hate this. I guess being a mom wasnt meant for me.