I’m sad ☝🏻not depressed but SAD and at the same time I dont know how I feel. I feel like empty, like I dont care about anything...like🤷🏻‍♀️ why Am I even alive?...how could this happen to ME? If Im A CHILD of God? Like how???????...

On dec 17/2019 I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time when I found out I got mad and start crying and yelling I don’t want THIS thing, I want him out, I even wanted to kick husband out of the house I just...COULDNT handle that, why? Because I just had a baby he is 9 months old now. I just couldn’t ldnt think on going all over again those 9 months...giving birth and thinking about having TWO small kids at the same it was just too much for me. Through this 2 months I kept saying I haven accepted this and when I told people yeah whatever Im preggo nobody would congratulate me they would only do this 😧 wow so fast? Why didnt u waited? SO I was not enjoying none of it.

So this past Sunday I was at church, im the Musicians Leader and I went to the restroom and I saw som Brown Blood but I was like 🤷🏻‍♀️ its ok this happened with my first pregnancy so its normal and I told everyone around me and they were like dont worry this happened with Isaac too so I went through the whole service with pain and bleeding but I ignored it. Things started to get serious when next day blood looked pink then next day pink with little clots and I was having pain so I started to get worried

I told my husband but he was like dont worry this happened with Isaac so I went to work next day and I went to the restroom and there I was sitting pee when I started to look for pictures to make the announcement on social media that I was preggo again but just when I was about to share it a big clot came out of me and thats when I say OK im going to the ER and never posted anything about the baby.

I arrived to ER and they took foreverrrrr they checked me...you know all of the exams and guess what? Doctor came to give me an answer until 11 pm!!!! So far I was bleeding harder but I was calm so then he comes to me and say ok you are 9 weeks but there is no heart bit.....OMG. When he said that I started shaking and screaming and crying like....in shock. Husband hugged me and we were both devastated he said baby is going to come out by himself and yes this is the worst part.

Next day at night I started to have this horrible cramps like horrible...I not knew they were contractions I ran to the rest room and then something like water came out of me and then I stand up and I SEE MY BABY. Guys of everything looking at my baby has been the worst part. I started screaming my husband came took him out of the toilet and thats it....

I feel the need to write and write to express how I feel...I dont know how should I feel.

We put the baby in a box...we want to burry him but we dont know what else to do to honor my baby’s life.😰