Okay so this is going to be a bit long so probably not many will want to listen or read, but I really just need to get vent or something because I really do give in. As i have no where’s else, as I’m at a point to where my life just needs to end.

I’m 17 years old and I’ve been struggling with depression very bad these passed five months, starting as living with my mom we have not gotten along at all, a very bad and toxic mother & daughter relationship between the both of us. I felt very stuck, alone and hurt living with her, there too much to get into about that, but it was bad. so I left for a few weeks and stayed with my old boss/friend. She’s always been there the passed two years for me and always treated me as a daughter, her and her family. I felt much better for awhile staying with her. after two weeks my family (grandma,aunts,uncles) told me little things like “I heard you moved out” “please stay in touch with me” things like that, that my mom told them I moved out. I left with a basket of clothes, my hamster, and school laptop(I do cyber school). If I moved out I would of took all my belongings. anyways even though I was doing better mentally,physically, with school, living with my friend, my mom and I still fought, only time we would talk we’d be fighting. I’m not the the best daughter, she’s also not a great mom. one example, She’s found a straw one time from a pain pill. As she told my whole family I’m a drug addict, a bunch of negative things honestly, expect the next day as she’s judging me, she’s selling pills right in front of me. wouldn’t be the first time but how can you judge me and do almost the same thing in front of me. Not like asking if I need help, or trying to talk to me. just judges me by telling the whole family. As I said I’m not a good person, by 12 years old I was smoking weed with my mom. then by the time my 16th birthday I was struggling with a secret addiction to dope & meth. as my older boyfriend helped me with that, not blaming anyone but myself, but if I didn’t think dating a 20 year old was fun and games and allow myself to be around that. but not a damn person noticed me changing, noticed I wasn’t me anymore. I had a girl 23 years old almost die in my arms, overdosing. she would of been dead because the other adult girl didn’t want to call 911, so I did. I was the 16 teen year old giving cpr, chest compressions, as she wasn’t breathing, laying in my arms blue, jaw locked. Hiding their 300 bags of drugs on me as the police showed up with ambulance. I thought these people actually cared about me. I was 16 they were all 20-27 years old. I will never forget that day and that day woke me up. Made me realize that could of been me. No once calling 911, no one saving me. Needles to say I quit being by everyone, on my own, I got clean. After months of bad shit, I did it all by myself. I didn’t want that to be my life, my point is I’m not a good person but neither is my mom, they didn’t noticed I was going down hill. There’s a lot that she’s done herself that isn’t good. I was doing great living with that girl after I decided screw it I might as well live with her since my mom told everyone I was anyways. Two months later I got ahold of my real dad who’s been kept from me almost my whole life. Asking about the child support and s.s checks that she wouldn’t give me. that week he came 14 hours away and picked me up so I can go visit him and my other family for a week. I was happy with him, him and this family here myreal family, treated me better in that week then my moms side of the family my whole life. I told my dad everything, the addiction, fights, everything. Something I couldn’t do with my mom, communicate.

I stayed an extra week and decided I’m going to live here. All I have is a weeks worth of clothes. My other weeks worth of clothes is at the girls house that i lived with.

so he told my mom I’m going to live here at first it was like “thank u so much make sure she gets her education and her health issues figured out thank u now I know she’s safe” then it went too things like good luck,better get me on b.c because I’m a whore. Drug addict. She’s Done being my mom.A bunch of things. It hurt me already what’s going on between us to listen to her say those things about me just hurt worse, I’m her child, we don’t see eye to eye almost all the time but I’d never say hurtful things to or about her extreme like that. She’s bipolar so one minute she loves me next she doesn’t. but in reality that’s no excuse to talk so bad about your child. well I’ll skip it a bit to me trying to enroll into another school here, dad needed custody, I called her with witness near by, asking nicely for willing to give custody because without it I can’t enroll into school. let’s just say I have a better chance of seeing god. well she got truency alerts and as soon as she found out she can face trouble, without my knowledge she dropped me out of school where I was living in that state. Not willing to enroll me into one here online or not. Or willing to give custody so dad can. So without my choice I’m a drop out and can’t change that.

hurt me so much that I feel my family turned on me because of the things she’s said to them that I’ve done, and lies she’s made. Hurt me that my mom admitted she’s done being my mom. and to top the icing on the cake, I’ve been told how she just has to admit she’s always loved my brother more anyways. also without saying anything like “u have a week to pick up your belongings” she got rid of and sold everything I owned. Things yes that she bought for me & things that I’ve bought for myself. With all of that I just feel so fucking hurt, I have hatred, and so much hurt in my heart. I try and tell myself I can’t hate her, but how can she do and say those things. I wish I had the heart to do or even say half the things she’s said and done, I just don’t though. She makes me not want to be here anymore, she’s made me lost all hope. I’m not a good person but I’ve gotten a lot better and still try to better myself from all the things I’ve done wrong, I live everything with my mistakes, and now I can live everyday knowing the family I grew up with for 16 years doesn’t want me, no one asks how I’m doing, nothing. no attempts from any of them to even just say hello. all they care about is themselves, money & pills. At first staying with my dad seemed great, having my dad after not having him basically my whole life, having the rest of my family, actually treating me like a real family would, mentally I was in a better place then I was. Well three minths has passed being here and I thought for awhile he hasn’t ever had a kid live with him so give him a chance, but he just doesn’t seem to have his priorities straight. Im struggling mentally and physically more then I ever been in my life, I struggle with my mind, I struggle weather or not I’m going to have something to eat. I’m the only one trying to get a job here as I finally just got my social security card so I finally can. Out of five people living in this house his girlfriends mom only one with a job. There’s never food in this house only thing you will see opening that fridge Is baked beans and water. Only canned food is baked beans. Nothing else. It’s a bad environment, some people here also do things that make me fighting to stay clean make it’s hard at times. mentally I was better by how they treat me. but five months has passed and the things with my mom just kill me, having to be the only one with priorities is such a heavy weight out of all these adults im the one struggling for a job, struggling to help them to pay these bills. I have nothing left in my life expect a weeks worth of clothes. I lost myself. I feel so hopeless I’ve never felt this down and alone, I don’t know what to do anymore, I honestly don’t want to live anymore. My life has never been normal and always been hard but nothing like this. I just want the pain to end. I know I’ll always struggle but I never want to struggle to eat. I never want to struggle with my mind this bad. My family has just broke my heart. I feel empty, only feelings I have left is pain. Sucks my dad mentally treats me better then my mom but he’s not ready for a kid yet. It’s not like how it was the first two weeks, he’s never even home now. I appreciate him taking me when I was in a bad spot but he was in one too. I know I don’t fight through all that hard stuff before in my life just to give up now, but this is nothing like any of that. I truly don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t want to feel the way I do anymore, I want it all to end. I want a happy life, a normal life. Weather I’m alone or not I wanted my own family, give my kids the right life I never had. I wanted to be something in life. but with my education being taken away from me, my family disowning me, the other part of my family loving me but doing bad shit, my mind. all of that makes me feel like I won’t make it to that spot in my life. I never felt so hurt and alone. I truly am broken. I don’t know how much longer I can go on with my life anymore. I’m at my lowest point of my life and I can’t handle it. I tell myself don’t give up, I don’t want too. but that’s a lie, I just want to give up, I want the pain to end, I just want to die at this point. I’m broken passed the point of being able to be fixed. just feel like a waste of space on this earth at this point. I just don’t see me being able to handle this and live much longer.

There’s a lot I said and typed, there’s also a lot that wasn’t said, and I already know if anyone does take the time to read this, I’ll probably get judged and that’s okay. I’m not looking for sympathy, nor do I expect anyone to understand, I guess all I was looking for was some advice or just some place to vent too.

Whoever does read this all, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to at least listen too me.