Hey everyone.

I’m hoping to get some external thoughts and advice on something! I apologize in advance if this is super long and rambling. I’ll try to kept it succinct, but I’m not that good at keeping things short :)

Ok, so I think I have a fairly low sex drive. I’m in a serious, long-term relationship (we’ve been together about 8 years: currently, I’m 28 and he’s 27.) I lost my virginity to him, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Although he’s always made me feel very comfortable, it’s taken me FOREVER to open up sexually. I have a really hard time not getting in my own head and get freaked out easily. So anyway, because of that we’ve had some struggles surrounding sex in the past. As the years have gone on, though, we’ve worked out a lot of things and our sex life is great, for the most part. We have it at least a few times a week, and he always makes sure I finish before him, which I really appreciate! That being said, it takes a long time for me to get in the mood and I’m not that spontaneous, though I wish I was. Most of the time he initiates, though I make sure I do sometimes because I don’t want him to feel like he’s the only one! I do love the intimacy of being with him, and obviously I enjoy the relief of having an orgasm. And I really like the sex itself, but for some reason it just takes me a long to get in the right frame of mind.

This brings me to the real issue I want to discuss...sometimes, I just completely shut down when we’re having sex, and I hate it!! I don’t know why it happens, but when it does I feel so terrible...and yet I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s been happening to me more lately, and I can tell we’re both feeling a little frustrated. My boyfriend is very patient and says that he just wants me to express myself, but the problem is that when I get tangled in that shut-down mode, it’s like I’m frozen. I feel claustrophobic and suffocated by my own frame of mind. I know I encourage the downward spiral by getting bogged down by my thoughts instead of focusing on the present moment, but I can’t seem to take a step back. When I get like that, he tries so hard to do things that he knows I like to get me engaged, but I just end up pulling further away. I feel so bad, and have ZERO idea why I do this sometimes ☹️ I’m so happy in my relationship, so it’s not like there’s some underlying problem! One thing I have wondered about though...I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. My moods are really intense, and it’s a daily struggle to be patient with myself and keep myself balanced. I’ve suffered from crippling panic attacks at various times in my life (especially in childhood.) I know it may seem non-related, but sometimes I wonder if over the years I’ve gotten accustomed to not letting myself go and being overly controlling of myself because I’m afraid of unleashing that chaos. Does that make sense at all?! Like that mentality makes it hard for me to feel comfortable being free in the bedroom. I don’t know! It’s really only when I’m already in a not-so-good place emotionally that this shutting down thing happens; like I’m stressed, or tired. I know my bf wants to help me feel better, and sometimes sex really does help! Other times this happens...I don’t know!

Anyway, thanks for reading. I guess what I’m wondering is, does anyone have any tips for opening up during sex? Any similar experiences with shutting down? How do you work yourself out if it? Thanks!!