I don't wallow too much in my thoughts but last night and today are kinda getting me. I'm looking back on all the red flags and things that happened and amazed that I justified it and it became my norm. I'm currently going to Coda phone meetings and working on finding a counselor. I don't have any friends where I live due to moving with my ex and him not letting me find friends, and honestly I'm kinda worried who I would even attract at this point. So I'm ok with keeping myself busy and talking on the phone with family for now, almost done with school and will be working.

Last night I thought back to a pet sitting job I had and how the guy told me he had guns all over the house and the security system is set up so if anything bigger than a dog goes upstairs, the cops will be notified. He also had a secret security camera in the middle of his living room and he told me I could sleep over and play Xbox, but the camera was facing the couch. So I never did. My ex would help me get his dogs together and take them for a walk. Looking back on it I should've skipped that job who leaves their guns around the house while someone is pet sitting and offers them to sleep on the couch but have them recorded. This was also during the time I got really sick and wouldn't go to the doctor so my judgement was off

Last night I had a dream that I was being watched through secret security cameras. I called the Rock or some guy who looked similar and we followed this minivan to the house. These kids greeted us and the cop asked for us to meet with some guy named Lance Byron (my ex dad name was Lance. Not sure where Byron came in). So the people took us to see this guy and said he doesn't move well. So I see this guy and he can't move around well and I see a hidden camera in his room. The kids come over again and I asked so this is Lance and they said no. So I ran out of the room down what felt like a million stairs and the cop was gone. There was a field of kids and teens wearing different colored shirts and I asked one guy where is his family and he said he doesn't know, he didn't know his past. So I ran to the car and the kids started following me. My mom drove the car and I was back in my apartment. And the guy who set them up had tracking on my car and came into my place. I tried to get away by cutting his dick with scissors and I woke up. Almost like a Get Out theme.

Couple days before I had a dream my mom gave me LSD because I was becoming too independent and a day before I had a dream I did Ketamine and went into a k hole. I've never done ketamine. Not sure what these dreams mean. Am I just processing stuff?