For starters I’m always under an outrageous amount of stress and with college it’s a bit more stressful . Recently I’ve been having nearly uncontrollable urges to hurt or kill myself whenever I feel severely wronged or am berated despite my best efforts. Tonight my dad visited my siblings and I and my mom gets really anxious around him and she got angry with me because I was wasn’t helpful enough and told me to shut up whereupon I got the very nearly uncontrollable urge to slash myself with the kitchen knife I was holding or to end my life some other way. I finished the dishes and sat down to do hw. A few minutes later she became angry with me again for “trying to undermine her authority” because I said the car alarm that wen off would likely not cause significant hearing damage to my 12 year old brother who was near it. She says I have been snapping at her and doesn’t want to be mistreated and went to bed and sent my siblings to bed an hour and a half early. This was because on top of the alarm disagreement, I asked her to “please give me a minute !” between tasks I was asked to do one on top of the other because I was feeling overwhelmed. She insisted that she was not angry with me and that it was me not her before launching into a lecture about me being snappish and said “ get out and go do your homework since you care about it so much!” I said “that is hurtful” and she said something along the lines of that’s all I care about any more . During this I nearly had a panic attack?! And again the feelings of self harm popped up but subsided after about 5 minutes. Please help, I feel like I am going crazy...

Anyway, I am behind on my homework which is why I was doing it and now far from wanting to learn I feel extremely guilty definitely don’t want to even tough the work until my mom isn’t mad at me anymore.

Edit. It is generally just bouts lasting 5-10 minutes of me feeling this way. Every other time I am fine and pretty much happy